http://turtlesbarandgrill.com
Order: Full-size Nachos with chicken (serves 1-1.5 people)
Price: $13.95 | Server: Gabby
Dinner guests: Tom, Will

Laura Nachopacabra (“Cabra”): This last weekend, Kory and I ran a race to raise awareness of the impending marijuana legalization and to “break stereotypes of the pot community”. For the record, I am completely indifferent on the subject. I don’t, nor have I ever, smoked anything- mostly because I love winning contests that see who can hold their breath the longest in a swimming pool. But our dear friend Enrique (see reviews 1 and 2) had free race passes, and I have always wanted to do an organized race without having to pay. There were two takeaways from this race for me: 1.We missed a great opportunity to advertise this website, and 2. the pot community of Eugene, OR fastidiously secured all stereotypes for me through this one event.

Nacho Man Kory Savage (“NMKS”): Are you insinuating that the race organizers’ failure to finish marking the route, which caused the lead pack of runners to miss a turn and run an extra 1.5-miles, reinforces an existing stereotype regarding marijuana smokers?

Cabra: I am most definitely insinuating that.

Atmosphere

Cabra: Turtles is a nice place but always confusing to me. Like, there are actually two Turtles restaurants combined into the same building, but you can’t get to one from the other and they serve the exact same thing. Can any of our readers confirm or deny this? It makes me angry-frustrated that I can’t figure this out.They also have a Pandora station playing something like “Matchbox Twenty Cafe Pop Light”. Every other song was Third Eye Blind. This isn’t a bad thing in my book….for the first 20 minutes.

NMKS: The decor was kind of nice, faux-fancy, I’d say. I’m not sure what vibe they were actually going for, but it felt like a hodgepodge of 18th-century Nassau, New Providence Island meets Tuscany. Stucco, brass candelabras, large plants strewn about, slowly revolving ceiling fans, vases, ceramic turtle sculptures…this place had it all. RE: the music, there was definitely a mid-90s “mom-rock” station being played. Every song was by an artist that guested on the Oprah Winfrey Show and was also included in at least one volume of the Now That’s What I Call Music! compilation series.

Server Interaction

Cabra: Our server was named Gabby. She was pleasant, but super slow. I’ve never had service that wasn’t slow at Turtles. They probably tell all their staff to move as fast as the name of their restaurant. We also finished ordering our food, then she stood there for a good 40 seconds while we moved on to a different conversation. Eventually she was like, “Oh, I didn’t realize you were done ordering”, then walked away.

NMKS: Gabby was nice when she was actually at our table, but those moments were fleeting, much like a shooting star, or my sex life. The gal that was bussing our table was very friendly and even went out of her way to grab Tom’s beer from the bar, which he ordered ten minutes prior.

 

Presentation

Cabra: Check out that mood lighting. Look closely at some of the cheese. Do you see it? There is liquid cheese on these nachos, which you may remember me poo-pooing in an earlier review. Never have I ever enjoyed liquid cheese as an adult. Well, Turtles and your turtle-paced service, you did it. You did the impossible. You opened this closed mind and showed me a liquidy light. What will you do next? Make vegetables taste good?

——Halftime break to play a game of Never Have I Ever———

Cabra: Never have I ever worn a mesh belly shirt to a run supporting marijuana.

NMKS: 9 out of 10 kinesiologists agree that wearing a mesh belly shirt increases evaporative cooling and eliminates drag thus leading to faster race times. Even if those statements are not factually correct, I feel like my mesh belly shirt gives me a mental edge over my opponents.

Cabra: Where was your mental edge when you went the wrong way on the course?

NMKS: I blame society (and the potheads that didn’t finish marking the route).

Quality of Ingredients

Cabra: I’m pretty happy with the quality of the ingredients, but this plate sure could have used some guac. And, dare I say it, more of that liquid cheese. I want there to be a 3 minute video of that liquid cheese being poured on various foods with Turn Down for What accompanying it.

NMKS: The fundido cheese definitely stole the show. I’m pretty sure Cabra has gone back to Turtles every night soliciting the kitchen and waitstaff for a taste of that liquid goodness. Tom, if you’re reading this, I think the key to a successful marriage with Laura is to feed her fundido cheese on a weekly basis. That kernel of wisdom is my wedding present to you, no need to send me a link to your gift registry.

Chip to Topping Ratio

NMKS: The balance of chips to toppings was totally adequate, but like so many nacho plates, the distribution of toppings, cheese, and chips was amateurish. The chips on the bottom of the plate were drier than California’s San Joaquin Valley.

Cabra: The only reason I was accepting of some of the dry chips was because there were still enough fixins’ to personally distribute. I also liked the separate servings of sour cream and salsa, because in a worst case scenario I can mix the two together and make “Laura’s special creamy salsa dip”. I make this at home for my fiance and he thinks it’s magical and labor intensive. Truth time, Tom- it’s just salsa and sour cream.

Chip Integrity

Cabra: Another case of the off brand Tostitos. I dream of a day where some Juanitas serve as the foundation. Kory loves this category and I’m yet to understand why. Pray, tell us.

NMKS: I don’t know where my fixation with chip integrity originates, but I do know that it’s important to me. When I close my eyes and think of nachos, the first two ingredients that come to mind are tortilla chips and cheese. They are the building blocks of a nacho plate, the bones, muscles, and tendons of the nacho organism. Accordingly, I expect something that is the essence of nachos to be given sufficient attention and not be shrugged off as being inconsequential. Chips are not a formality, they are very much consequential.

Overall Taste

NMKS: Most everything was quite tasty. Without a doubt, the fundido cheese stole the show. I was skeptical about this cheese sauce being a part of the nacho plate, but it was love at first bite. The pico de gallo was very fresh and flavorful, which was much welcomed because pico de gallo is not a nacho component I’m particularly excited about. In the nacho world, pico de gallo is a ruse that lulls my guilty conscience into thinking that I’m eating something healthy and well-balanced because there are vegetables in it. The chicken was just so-so. My Midwestern, processed-food upbringing informs me that the Turtles kitchen team grilled the chicken and then sprinkled on some McCormick© taco seasoning.

Cabra: The overall taste was pretty good-probably where these nachos score highest in my opinion. After the last chip at this place, I had the feeling that with a few tweaks these nachos could be very excellent. After the last chip of the last place, I had the feeling that a lot of what I ate had been in some sort of contact with hypodermic needles.

Level of Drunkenness

Cabra: None. I really thought I would utilize this category more, but instead it has served as a gazing pond into my boring lifestyle. On average, I have about 2 beers a week total and it’s pretty amazing if I am not asleep within an hour after consumption. Maybe one day those 2 beers will coincide with this research.

NMKS: My immune system has been severely weakened and facing a mighty barrage of microbial threats unequaled since the Black Death decimated 14th-century Europe. For that reason, my doctor advised me not to consume alcoholic beverages for a while, which makes me an even cheaper date than Cabra.

 

Company

Cabra: Will and Tom joined us for this one, and both will eventually serve as guest reviewers. I like Will because he has a lot of enthusiasm for life and a great laugh. When he tells a story, his voice is always on the brink of happy yelling because he is just so excited to be talking. He truly is one of the most uplifting people I know. I think Tom will join us quite a bit, so I’m just going to start telling stories about him: He once ordered a coffee drink at a Starbucks in Bowling Green, KY and convinced the barista that the mountain climber on his REI credit card was him. I’ve never met anyone who can charm his way out of trouble more than Tom Ptak (except for the parking tickets he got in Portland).

NMKS: One time I saw Will without his glasses on and it was confusing, but that was the only time his presence has been anything other than pleasant. Sometimes I wish he was my uncle. He’d be a really good uncle. Now that I think of it, so would Tom.

Overall

NMKS: Overpriced for the quality/quantity. I agree with Cabra’s comment earlier that these nachos could really be something special with a few tweaks. Drop the price or increase the portions, use some better tortilla chips, and offer a bottomless fundido cheese option for an extra $1.25.

Cabra: These nachos would score higher for me, but the cost seemed disproportionate to the amount we received. Both Kory and I were not completely full after the meal. In regards to the price/quantity, this was kinda like the Fox News of nachos-elitist and overpriced with a weak foundation. But that melty cheese though…

• Share on Facebook
• Share on Twitter
• Share via email