https://www.tillamook.com/cheese-factory
Order: Waffle Fry Nachos
Price: 2 orders at $11.99 each, 1 order of the Centennial Grilled Cheese at $9.49, double scoop ice cream (pb chocolate and s’mores) in waffle bowl at $5.00
Server: Counter Orders, multiple staff interaction
Laura Nachopacabra (“Cabra”): We travelled 287 miles round trip for this review. I hit a huge pot hole. Kory was hungover.
Nacho Man Kory Savage (“NMKS”): Getting old means that one pint of beer equals a hangover; I had multiple pints of beer and six fingers of scotch, you do the math. This was the final day that the visitors center would be open before shuttering its doors until Summer 2018. Neither of us had been to the Cheese Factory and since we’re both impatient, it was now or never. A temporary visitors center is being erected in the parking lot while the renovations are underway, but we might win a Pulitzer someday for our groundbreaking nacho journalism and basing our research on knock-off eateries is not the way to the top.
Atmosphere
NMKS: The Cheese Factory communications department should have been more explicit about their renovations on the website, perhaps mentioning that while the visitors center officially closes on March 6th, it would actually close down prior to that date. All of the self-guided tour areas were boarded up except for the bathrooms, an empty ice cream chest, and one row of observation windows peering down on the packaging line. Strolling the visitors center grounds felt like the driverless SUV tour at Jurassic Park that wends its way past paddock after empty, dinosaur-less paddock. Cheesosaurus! Cool! NOPE! No cheesosaurus on this tour.
Don’t worry, the gift shops and food counters were open for business. I’d say that the overall vibe of the eating zone was mall food court meets elementary school cafeteria. The only thing missing was the smell of Cinnabon wafting through the air, socially awkward kids (i.e. Laura) not-so-discreetly picking their noses in the corner, and wads of chewed gum clinging to the underside of the tables.
My favorite moment of the day was watching Laura’s hanger boil over while we were queued up for cheese samples. These direct quotes were almost as delicious as the smoked black pepper white cheddar cheese bites that I sampled:
“I think line etiquette is you get your curds and you move out of line.”
“You don’t taste test, you get your cheese and you go.”
Cabra: I get major line etiquette rage. Standing in line is not a difficult concept for 90% of people, but that 10% really effs it up for everyone! It didn’t help that this place was a zoo of kids, camouflage jackets, and Disney sweatshirts. I’ll say it now: Tillamook Cheese Factory was beyond a disappointment.
We waited in a 20-minute line of screaming kids for about 6 cheese samples. There were flat screen televisions on the wall telling the story of the dairy farms. I tried to get Kory to change the channel using the buttons on the side of the tv which were easily accessible from our stagnant line. He wouldn’t do it. It just added to my disappointment.
Standing in line is not a difficult concept for 90% of people, but that 10% really effs it up for everyone ~ Cabra
Server interaction
NMKS: There isn’t anything notable to say about the order-at-the-counter experience. However, the food delivery seemed to stress Laura out quite a bit. She looked on-edge the entire time, fearful that the runners wouldn’t see our number in the vast sea of tables. Her constant vigilance reminded me of a wildebeest drinking from a Serengeti watering hole, scanning the periphery for lions, ready to run at a moment’s notice.
Cabra: If it weren’t for me flagging down our food then we would still be at the Tillamook Cheese Factory, wasting away and pining for the day that order no. 178 is redeemed. You’re lucky I was there. Someone has to be a leader. It took so long for our food to arrive because we were victims of a “number mess up”, or so I was told. I was starving, watching meals dripping with gooey cheese being served all around us, and I had to stare at horrible black and white cheese curd art all around me. Hangry doesn’t begin to describe my experience.
Presentation
Cabra: Rosetta Stone. Terracotta Army. Dead Sea Scrolls. These are some of the most famous archaeological discoveries of all time….until now. There I was, minding to my wafflecho (waffle fry nacho) task at hand, when upon lifting a single waffle I unearthed a perfectly intact penne noodle. Never before in the history of nachos (or wafflechos) has this happened. You can look for the 1-hour Discovery Channel special to air in November. In the reenactment, I’ll be played by Claire Danes, Suzie will be played by Cate Blanchett, and Kory will be played by Gary Busey.
NMKS: I still haven’t signed a video release form granting Discovery Channel permission to use my likeness in the documentary. My lawyer and I are seeking appropriate compensation and exclusive merchandising rights for backpacks, turtlenecks, dolls, and a theme park in Dubai.
The sight of this greasy pile of slop did two things: (1) it excited the hungover me, for it was a potential cure for my less-than-100% existence and (2) it alarmed the clear-thinking me, for it resembled the green phlegm and pale yellow lung butter that spews from my nose and mouth when I have an upper respiratory tract infection. Luckily, the hungover persona won out and my appetite was stoked by the calorically dense mass in front of me.
Chip Waffle fry to topping ratio
Cabra: Separating ingredients and providing them on the side is a bold move. On one hand, it empowers me to build my perfect wafflecho. On the other hand, it probably caters more to kids who think certain toppings are “icky”. In this case, I would rather have Tillamook assume my adult status and thrown everything on as one, making it less work for me. Then again, seeing as how they put a noodle on my wafflechos, they probably can’t be trusted with that much responsibility.
NMKS: Laura was crotchety about the ramekins of ingredients because it meant she had to wait that much longer to stuff her face. When I kindly mentioned to her that everything would be okay she suddenly became quite short-tempered and accosted me. Luckily, a fellow Cheese Factory patron caught the altercation on their cell phone. I intend on pressing charges; Judge Judy’s spokesperson wrote to inform me that she is considering hearing the case, which is a clear signal that the legal system in America isn’t totally f’d.
To answer your question, “yes”, I wear a blonde wig and women’s clothing while conducting our research as to maintain anonymity and avoid any favorable treatment that would surely come if I were to be recognized as the Nacho Man Kory Savage. Back to the topic at hand, there was a good balance of toppings and topping vehicles.
Overall Taste
NMKS: My third year in college I took a course called, “From Chip to Palate: Patterns of Nacho Praxis in Science and Society”, which undoubtedly laid the foundation for my career as a nacho researcher. Towards the end of the semester, our professor posed the question, “If a plate of nachos is devoid of cheese flavor, is it still a member of the extant nacho species, Callus siccaneus?” It was, and continues to be, a contentious debate. I fall in with the hardliners who believe that nachos do not exist in the absence of a distinct cheesey taste. Quite frankly, the wafflechos lacked any flavor besides the deep fried potatoes. The other ingredients tasted like space dust mixed with water.
Cabra: The potato flavor was overwhelming, which adds to my skepticism that anything other than a chip base is acceptable. This was the first dish we’ve judged that ventured outside of the corn/tortilla chip realm, and I did not like it. I had to go to the car to sniff Winnie’s paws (they always smell like corn chips) just to maintain nacho equilibrium.
One of my favorite college courses was “Taste of Base: I Saw the Chips”, where we had very strong discussions on what comprised the foundation of an acceptable plate of nachos. To quote perhaps the best known nacho scientist, William Quesospeare
“What’s in a chip? That which we call a base
By any other name would taste as good.”
Price
NMKS: These wafflechos were priced slightly higher than they should’ve been. The three of us tapped out after an order and a half, which is ~$6 per person, a reasonable value. Granted, we did split a grilled cheese sandwich making it unclear whether we would have polished off both plates or found ourselves in a similar position. If the ingredients were better quality and/or the cheese sauce actually tasted like cheese then I could live with the $11.99 price tag. I’d rather pay $11.99 for the grilled cheese sandwich especially because it tasted like cheese.
Cabra: I think these were the most “replicable at home” nachos we have had because we know where they sourced so many of their ingredients. I love Tillamook cheese so much that I follow grocery ads on a weekly basis so I know where the cheapest Baby Loaf is at any time in Eugene (week of 4/26 to 5/2 it is $5.99 at Safeway). I would have much rather spent that $6 on a full baby loaf of Tillamook Sharp Cheddar than these wafflechos.
Level of Drunkenness/Hungoverness
Cabra: None. I had to drive that 287 miles and hit the pot hole.
NMKS: My friends had a baby shower the night before, which segued into an after party at their house. There was a lot of joy in the air and coincidentally in my glass. Suffice to say, I didn’t feel excellent at the onset of our expedition. My guess is that during the middle of the night one of the twins crawled out of my friend’s uterus, found residence inside of my skull, and threw a violent temper tantrum due to the winding coastal highway to Tillamook harshing its mellow. I have no regrets except, perhaps, not indulging in some hair of the dog before making the trip to the coast.
Company
Cabra: Suzie and Winnie (the dog) joined us. They are both swell. Winnie loves to bork at squirrels, eat ice cream, test my patience, push boundaries, and snuggle. Suzie, what are your favorite things?
NMKS: Laura and Suzie picked me up from the bus station in Salem. When I saw Laura’s rust-orange car pull up I felt my hangover ease by 2-5% knowing that I would soon be met by Suzie’s positive demeanor. To my great surprise, they also brought banana bread, which disappeared faster than a shooting star. The second bonus was Winnie periodically bumping her wet nose against the side of my neck, she knows the way to my heart.
Overall
NMKS: The best part of the Cheese Factory experience was guessing the weight of the cheese blocks coming off the production line. Apparently, Suzie has a hidden talent for accurately guessing the weight of industrial-sized cheese cubes, so make sure you don’t bet next month’s rent check if she’s around. If I’m judging these wafflechos on the merits of being a hangover cure I’d give them three Wafflechos, but I’m pretty sure that anything fatty, greasy, and salty would have garnered 3+ stars. However, this is a nacho review and I can’t award Tillamook Cheese Factory anything more than one Wafflecho for their efforts. Me doling out this singular Wafflecho is the equivalent of giving every kid a trophy for playing Little League even if their team doesn’t win the championship or reach the playoffs. You’ll get ‘em next time, Tiger….
Cabra: We also guessed how long it would take us as individuals to consume an entire block, which was roughly 40 lbs. Yeah, this wasn’t the most exciting trip. Two Wafflechos from me.
Bonus:
Cabra: We stopped at a podunk store to use the restroom and Suzie had to buy a bag of cheetos just so we could pee. The person running the store was incredibly grumpy. But he had a puppy.
