http://www.tapandgrowler.com/
Order: T&G Nachos with pulled pork, T&G nachos with chicken
Price: $15 each
Server: Unknown (order at counter)
Nacho Man Kory Savage (“NMKS”): It’s summertime in Eugene, which means daily temperature fluctuations of up to 40F, a dearth of college students/beer pong being played in front lawns, and the countdown to Laura and Tom’s wedding, which has garnered almost as much speculation as Y2K. Will life go on as normal? Will they break the internet with all of the live tweets at the wedding (#lauramarrieskangaroowhisperer)? Will there be a massive increase in Millennials taking Craigslist rideshares in hopes of finding their true love, like Laura and Tom? We’ll find out in about a month. By the way, I’m looking for a +1….Also, I plan on filibustering the ceremony until Laura gives me back my beanie that I lost when we lived together that I’m pretty sure she stole and sleeps with under her pillow. So…feel free to email me some stories, jokes, facts, birth announcements, political commentary, movie reviews, dating advice, etc. that I can read during my potential 13-hour filibuster.
Laura Nachopacabra (“Cabra”): Here’s a fact for you- I’m now taking applications for a new wedding officiator. I brought you into the Universal Life Church Ministry, Kory, and I can take you out of it. In other news, when I’m not busy planning the most important day of my life that Kory won’t be a part of, we are still pursuing our quest for the perfect nacho.
Atmosphere
Cabra: We ate outside on their patio. I love eating outside because it makes me feel like I’m more in tune with nature. And I can spit food out on the ground and no one cares. I often eat on my deck at home just for the thrill of seeing how far I can mouth-project an olive pit into the surrounding forest. It’s like the trashy version of skipping stones on water.
NMKS: The patio at Tap and Growler is pretty mellow except during the 15+ times/day when a freight train lumbers along the railroad tracks forty feet away and the engineer sounds an ear-blasting air horn to announce the train’s approach. It didn’t bother me too much because (1) my hearing took a beating from 1999-2002 when I used to see a lot of metal and hardcore shows in the Chicagoland area and (2) the timbre of Cabra’s voice is eerily similar to a shrieking air horn and years of being her friend has desensitized me to that sonic register.
Cabra: It’s taken me years of practice just to get the pitch right.
NMKS: Years of practice and multiple music performance degrees….
Server interaction
Cabra: I didn’t interact with any staff at T and G, other than the fellow who took our plates away at the end. There were 5 of us splitting 2 plates of nachos, and he was extremely impressed that we were able to eat all of it. The nachos were good sized, but not huge portions, and I still felt like I could have kept going. It made me think that this guy only eats tiny portions, with tiny utensils in his tiny house as part of the tiny things trend that is taking over the nation. It’s the only explanation.
NMKS: I ordered one of the nacho plates from the bartenders inside; the experience was very impersonal and transactional. I’ve had more engaging conversations with parking meters that I was feeding quarters into. The gentleman bussing tables was personable even if his praise for us was misguided. Perhaps he was impressed that we’d want to finish two plates of their nachos…more on that to come….
Presentation
Cabra: These nachos looked incredible. Remember when you were a kid and you would eat crayons because they were bright colors and that made you think they would taste great? Eating these nachos was a similar experience. They looked like food, but they tasted like crayons. See all that delicious looking sauce? It was liquid nothingness.
NMKS: I’ve seen a lot of vegetarian food products out in the world that mimic the taste and experience of eating their meaty counterparts. Soysages. Field Roast. Tempeh reubens. The list goes on. Some of these items taste pretty good. Some of them creep me out with the sheer number of processed, artificial ingredients. The T&G nachos were probably created for airatarians; all of the “chips”, “cheese”, “salsa”, and other ingredients were actually just compressed air mixed with various sketchy food additives, giving them each a color and texture similar to the food they’re supposed to imitate. They looked liked food, but they tasted like air.
Cabra: That sounds like the diet I’m supposed to be on to fit into my wedding dress.
Chip to topping ratio
Cabra: There was a decent amount of toppings for these chips, but on one plate of nachos there were 4 beans. That’s it. Maybe someone lovingly chose these 4 artisanal beans and curated the plate around them. Maybe they were a lazy afterthought.
NMKS: The black bean situation was baffling indeed. I like Cabra’s thought of a chef deliberately placing the four beans within the nacho bouquet in such a way as to elevate the senses and orchestrate a balanced flavor profile, but seeing that the bean quartet was buried and scattered well-beneath the surface, this explanation seems implausible. Perhaps when Tap & Growler first began its foray into the sacred art of nachory, they made Four-Bean Nachos, a hearty plate featuring black, kidney, pinto, and adzuki bean varietals. Over time T&G charted a new nacho course and chose to just feature the black bean and neglected to change the name of the nachos in their kitchen ticketing system. The day that we sat down to sup at their table happened to be the first day of work for a new line cook, whom I imagine was named Drew. Because Drew has an itsy-bitsy attention span and lacks common sense, he failed to notice his mentor’s bean assembly method and instead interpreted Table 42’s “Four-Bean Nachos” order to mean that he should place four black beans among the other toppings. This explanation is equally implausible. My alternate theory is that the line cook grew up in New Orleans and loved eating King Cake, a sweet, baked dessert covered in granulated sugar served in the months leading up to and during Mardi Gras. An old tradition commands bakers to stuff a tiny, plastic baby inside of the King Cake so that upon consumption somebody will be met by a surprise. That fated person would then be responsible for procuring the next King Cake to be shared among family and friends.* Accordingly, this Cajun line cook liked to hide a small quantity of black beans in the nacho pile. As to why this person placed four beans inside the nachos instead of one, I don’t know. This theory is full of holes; I only offer it because for some reason the four bean experience made me think of King Cake babies.
*This tradition almost went away because of “safety concerns” (i.e. our litigious culture); bakeries no longer stuff the King Cake baby inside the pastry, instead they just include it inside of the box and leave the stuffing to the discretion of the purchaser.
Price
NMKS: $10 was a reasonable price for the meatless nachos based solely on volume and mass instead of taste. However, there was not enough meat to justify the $5 add-on.
Cabra: Agreed. Kory, what are your top three things that you would spend $10 on, but not $15 on and why?
NMKS: In no particular order: (1) a waffle – I love waffles and have paid upwards of $10 for them in the past. If I’m paying that much money for a waffle it should have some or all of the following things: (a) 100% pure grade b maple syrup (b) hazelnuts (c) fresh berries (d) some kind of non-traditional ingredients in the batter that make people say something like, “ooooo cornmeal spelt waffles? That sounds so scrumptious.” (e) nutella. I can’t think of any ingredients that would make a $15 waffle socially acceptable. Well, maybe shark fin, but if you’re eating shark fin waffles you can go suck an egg. (2) a movie – I like living in Eugene where seeing a movie in a theater never costs more than $7. I’ve heard rumors of movies costing >$14 in some cities. (3) a haircut – my hair just gets poofy regardless of how it’s cut.
Overall taste
NMKS: This is a metric that used to stand on its own, but over time has weaved in and out of other review topics. I felt compelled to single it out for the T&G nachos because it was the salient category for me. Here’s the long and short of it: these nachos looked great, but delectable flavors were nowhere to be found. I was beguiled by the possibilities of hatch green chili cream sauce, but it was an empty promise. While I disappointingly ate chip after flavorless chip I couldn’t help but think of Kijong-dong (a.k.a. “Propaganda Village”) sitting in the Demilitarized Zone between North and South Korea. From afar, the village looks quaint and inviting, set amidst rolling green hills. Upon closer inspection, one finds a ghost town made up of windowless, empty buildings, electric lights running on timers, and the occasional maintenance worker to maintain the veneer of human activity. Many believe that Kijong-dong is naught but a decoy to lure South Korean defectors across the Bridge of No Return. I believe that the hatch green chili cream sauce and overall presentation of the T&G nachos exist to seduce hungry Eugenians to sup at their table. Be advised, it’s a trap!!!
Cabra: Crayons.
Level of drunkenness
Cabra: None. I feel ashamed just having this category and disappointing our readers every time. I think I missed some critical years of learning how to properly drink in my twenties because I can’t find that middle ground. It’s either Sober: Level Mormon or “beer muscles with a side of fireball”.
NMKS: Maybe it’s time that we retire this category until there’s something noteworthy to discuss (i.e. us becoming more fun somehow).
Cabra: I still have hope for this category. This category is an underdog, and we all know those make the best Disney movies. Can anyone with a twitter account please tell Disney that we have their next summer blockbuster? Thanks in advance.
Company
Cabra: We ate dinner with Tom, Will and Jo, then went to Hayward Field to watch the first night of the Prefontaine Classic. There’s nothing like eating piles of carbs n’ cheese then watching a bunch of super fit athletes run and jump. Makes me feel very good with my life decisions. I’m going to throw Will under the bus here and say he was supposed to guest review, but he went to Thailand on his honeymoon instead. Thanks, Will, nice priorities. I hope you have a great time in a super cool country on your awesome honeymoon. I actually do wish all that upon you, Will, because you’re a wonderful person and I have a lot of love for you in my heart. Your lack of nacho reviewing is forgiven.
NMKS: I’m looking forward to hearing Will and Johannah talk about their SE Asian adventure because both of them, especially Will, get very animated when telling stories about fun things. I’m disappointed that Will isn’t reviewing these nachos because I assume he would have carried over a lot of that enthusiasm into his review.
Overall
Cabra: These nachos were pretty disappointing because they had a lot of potential but were super bland. I would have rather have spent $15 on some new crayons. I’m going to give them 2.5 boring stars. The .5 star is because there was a person with a cute dog that sat near us and let me pet the dog.
NMKS: I’m going to award Tap and Growler 2 chips, my lowest review to-date. They lost a ½ chip for breaking my heart with their good looks and lack of substance. In that regard, T&G nachos are much like the stereotypical blonde often portrayed in jokes such as, “Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets? So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills.”
