Unofficial website
Order: Super Nachos with Chicken (serves 1-1.5 people)
Price: $6.75 | Server: Order at counter
Dinner guests: Suzie, Enrique, Joel, Tom

Laura “Nacho-pacabra”: Look! We are on our second review which means we did a thing! For those of you who never lived in a co-op in Eugene, OR that operated by consensus, “did a thing” means something actually got accomplished in the weekly meeting. Needless to say, there was not a ton of progression in a house where 18 people had to all agree for a thing to get did, but there was lots of fun and zombie chanting of “the greater good”, and I really enjoyed my almost 4 years there. It’s where I first got to really know Kory, who lived in the room above me and once gave me a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch for my birthday.

Nacho Man Kory Savage (NMKS): Things I miss most about living in the co-op: (1) the hot water on-demand tap (2) being around Bruce, Laura’s one-eyed, bodhisattva dog, every day (3) having 4-hour house meetings about replacing our broken toaster. Even though we’ve both moved on from co-op living, I feel that we’ve maintained that sense of “the greater good” as seen in our unwavering commitment to provide the world with Nobel Prize-worthy scientific research.

Atmosphere

Cabra: Super Taco had a big map on the wall. I like maps. But there was a weird hospital lighting feel. I don’t like hospitals. The seating was mostly booths. I like booths. But they were all at a weird height so you could see and make eye contact with all the other restaurant patrons, and what if Anton Chigurh were there and you accidentally look at him and then he comes over to your table and starts tossing a coin. I don’t like Anton Chigurh’s coin tossing or the way he repeats his questions with creepy pauses. Kory, what did you think of the atmosphere at Super Taco

NMKS: Ma’am?

Cabra: What. Did you think. Of the atmosphere. At Super Taco?

NMKS: Super Taco definitely has a hospital/DMV-lighting scheme going on. It’s the type of unflattering lighting that makes everyone look seasick or like they have jaundice. The booth height didn’t really bother me, maybe that’s because we were the only customers there and the only awkward eye contact I experienced was with my sickly-looking friends on the opposite side of the booth. Also, I don’t know how to sugar-coat this, but your first comments about the atmosphere at Super Taco seemed a little Asperger’s-y. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it kind of explains a lot of things I’ve noticed about you over the years.

Cabra: The flashcard I’m looking at right now tells me to make a mad face.

Server interaction

Cabra: We didn’t have a server because you order at the counter and then someone brings out your food. I guess in that sense we did have a server, but he never told us his name and to me he remains a mysterious figure. I think here is a good place to point out how fast our food came out to us, like, suspiciously fast. Kory hadn’t even picked out his fixins’ from the fixins’ bar before the food was delivered by Faceless McMystery. I was pretty hungry, so at the time I was just so happy for the quickly impending calorie fest about to happen in my face hole, but upon reflection I should have realized that the speedy delivery would have a negative impact.

NMKS: In accordance with the DMV vibe of the restaurant, Faceless McMystery’s demeanor was both apathetic and unwelcoming. He wasn’t rude, but you could tell that questions were not encouraged and the bare minimum was the status quo.

Presentation

Cabra: It was so bright in Super Taco. You can see the lights reflecting off the tomato bits. I can feel my retinas burning just looking at this photo. There are two things I want to point out in this presentation:    1. That guac is a very strange consistency. 2. The olives look to be a hastily spooned on afterthought, rendering the plate asymmetrical. Maybe the folks at Super Taco did this purposefully in homage to Pablo Picasso whose favorite painting snack was a giant plate of nachos (probably), but I think more likely is that they just didn’t put much thought into their olive graticular expression.

NMKS: The arrangement of ingredients was pretty uninspired. My first thought was that they resembled a Jackson Pollock painting or a preschooler’s finger painting hanging up on a loving-parent’s refrigerator. With the exception of the tortilla chips, the ingredients looked like different colored globs of paint hastily flung onto a palette. Re: the guacamole, it was like a green version of the psychomagnotheric slime in Ghostbusters II.

Quality of Ingredients

Cabra: This is where Super Taco scores the lowest in my book. Not only were the individual ingredients pretty poor caliber, but there was a severe lack of cheese. On one hand I’m glad it wasn’t that melty liquid cheese, which might be the biggest threat to nachos other than former Arizona governor, Jan Brewer. But the lack of a terrible ingredient does not make up for the skimpiness of a better ingredient.

NMKS: Poor marks all around. Some of the ingredients just tasted like water with a modicum of texture (I’m looking at you lettuce and tomatoes). To be fair, these nachos were pretty reasonably priced, which usually means that the quality of ingredients takes a hit or two. I’ve heard of cheeseless nachos for vegans and lactose intolerant folks, but never in my darkest nightmares did I envision a plate of “regular” nachos without cheese, or hardly any to speak of. Where was the cheese? Cheese is the central tenet of nachodom.

Chip to topping ratio

NMKS: I suppose the ratio was adequate, but the plate was not well-balanced. The toppings didn’t penetrate the upper layer of chips, which results in dry chips at the bottom of the plate if not recognized and dealt with early on. On a sidenote, I think I’d be a pretty good Dry Chip Mitigation Specialist if such a position existed because of my superpower that enables me to glance at a plate of nachos and quickly assess the spatial distribution of ingredients.

Cabra: While there was a good heap of toppings on the top, true to Kory’s observation, many a bare chip were just chilling on the bottom of the pile. If their nacho layering was clothing, it would be equivalent to wearing a puffy coat and snow pants but being completely naked underneath. It’s uncomfortable to think about all that nacho sweat trapped in all those crevices.

Chip integrity

NMKS: I’ve eaten crème brûlée with caramel crusts stronger than these chips. Fork required.

Cabra: These chips were one level above flaccid. I had one buckle under the weight of a few shreds of anemic lettuce.

Overall Taste

NMKS: It’s a bad sign when the best part of the nachos were the pickled carrots and jalapeños from the fixins bar. On the way to the bathroom, a misplaced training manual entitled, “Super Taco Nacho Protocol,” caught my eye. I briefly thumbed through it and came across a passage that might help explain the lackluster flavor of the nachos:

“The nacho prep work cannot be any simpler. Follow these steps:

1. Unload the boxes of ingredients from the back of the Sysco truck
2. Take the ingredients out of their individual boxes and place them directly in a plastic cambro with the exception of the following:
   • The tomatoes should be diced before being put in a cambro
   • The refried beans should be emptied from the can into a metal sterno that has a low-heat source below it. The beans can be left simmering all day. If the bean level gets low just add more from the cans.
3. No further preparation or flavoring is needed.
4. When a nacho order comes to the line, simply throw all of the ingredients onto a plate. Don’t worry about heating the plate or the cheese; the lukewarm temperature of the beans will slowly warm everything around them, maybe.”

I will say that the chicken was flavorful and tasty. It’s a shame that it had to associate with the other nacho ingredients though, kind of like the second chair oboist of the Saint Petersburg Philharmonic being relegated to play first chair in a middle school concert band.

Cabra: How much would that middle school concert band gig pay and where is the audition? I’m just asking for a friend. As for nacho taste, it was underwhelming. I think Kory explained it quite well. Good find with the training manual.

NMKS: The “gig” would pay roughly $25,000/year with mediocre benefits because the “gig” requires you to be the part-time physical education instructor as well. Is your “friend” still interested? I could pass along a résumé; I went to summer camp with the assistant principal.

Cabra: Getting paid to play music and the parachute game? Consider me my friend in!

Level of Drunkenness

NMKS: Sober as a rural Protestant during the Prohibition era. I probably would have enjoyed the nachos a lot more if I had been “wet,” so to speak.

Cabra: Ewww, Kory, this blog is family friendly (kinda). I was as sober as a group of third graders who were just told they can no longer handle the class guinea pig because Cupcake bit someone. Me. Cupcake bit me. I was the third grader who ruined it for everyone.

NMKS: I’d rather write comments that are misconstrued as being double entendres and are completely lost on kids than describe something so horrible that any child reading it would have nightmares and anxiety for years. Why would you plant that seed in their minds, Laura? Why? Even after all these years, you’re still good at ruining it for everyone. Shame on you. A pox on your house!

Company

NMKS: I’ve already gushed about Enrique and Suzie in our previous review, so I’ll focus on Joel and Tom. Joel is one of the more unassuming, philosophers of our day. The guy can spout some air-tight theories about this and that, but is also quick-witted and has a knack for fascinating observations. I don’t get enough Tom in my life, but when I do it’s like being thrown off your boogie board by a massive grinder and while tumbling in the warm, soft sand, cartoon starfish are giggling and telling you dirty jokes with a thick Australian accent. Who wouldn’t want that kind of company whilst eating sub-par nachos?

Cabra: Suzie and E were wonderful as always. Individually they are two of the most thoughtful people I know. For example, one time Enrique’s tooth went through his lip during an ultimate game and I gave him my (dog’s) favorite handkerchief to staunch the blood. I never expected him to return it because his dna was all over it, but he gave it back to me folded and cleaner than when he used it on his open, vulnerable wound! Joel is one of my favorite tall people. He once built a model helicopter from scratch for a job interview, and ever since I found that out I have been in awe of how his brain works. I also really like his two front teeth (Joel, is it going to be awkward now that you know I feel that way about your teeth? I hope so!) I get a lot of Tom in my life because we live together and have two dogs together and are going to grow old together. I have never met anyone who lives more life than Tom, which makes everything with him an adventure. Also, he loves taking photos of strangers sleeping next to him on flights and sending them to me. Tom is a real treat.

Overall

NMKS: These nachos get 1.5 chips. I would have given them 1 star, but the chicken bumped them up half a star. Their tacos are very respectable, but sadly, the nachos are merely a formality and an afterthought.

Cabra: I’m going to give these 2 chips. I didn’t really like them, but they were fast and cheap, which is also how I like my men (*wink, Tom).

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