http://steelheadbrewery.com/
Order: Full-size Nachos with chicken (serves 2-2.5 people)
Price: $11.95 | Server: Darla? Lindsey? Can’t remember
Dinner guests: Tom
Laura Nachopacabra (“Cabra”): Well we took ourselves a lil’ summer vacation from talking nachos. Sometimes it is just exhausting being as funny as we are. Also exhausting? Our nacho finances. All good science has funding. We are not good science. We’re real good science, and we think it is time our research gets itself some scrilla. So, who should sponsor us? Juanitas? Pace Picante? The National Science Foundation? Yes, to all of them.
Nacho Man Kory Savage (“NMKS”): It’s no secret that I love Take It Up a Nacho. In fact, I can’t donate blood because I bleed sour cream, tortilla chips, and melted cheese, none of which are helpful to the Lane Blood Center (I encourage all of our faithful readers to donate blood at their local blood center). Despite my seemingly biased opinion re: the quality of our scientific nacho research, I am first and foremost a scientist and as a scientist I objectively state that Take It Up a Nacho is cutting edge research that warrants stable funding. So if anyone knows someone that works for a relevant company or has a rich aunt/uncle let the research team know.
I hope that nobody was dismayed by our summer sabbatical; Laura and I had a staff retreat to reaffirm our shared vision, develop more efficient workflows, and do some trust falls. Laura also shared some pretty interesting “Never Have I Ever(s).” Did y’all know that she never learned how to tie her shoes? That explains why she always wears Crocs™, adventure sandals, or boots.
Cabra: That is 100% a lie. I do not wear Crocs™. Whenever Tom goes to China he buys me the off brand ones. Our front closet is full of Crus™.
NMKS: Your front closet is also full of Costco-sized boxes of disposable polypropylene shoe covers, a.k.a. “shoe booties” because you make all of your guests take their shoes off and/or wear foot condoms to prevent them from bringing dirt, hookworms, inspiration, and fun into your home. A trip to your house is like visiting a biochemical weapons research facility or a bread factory. I still have a copy of the training video you sent me the first time I came over to your place.
Cabra: That’s because the first time you came into our house, you left a snail trail of Kory. I don’t know why your body leaks such weird substances out of the heels of your feet.
NMKS: It’s called charisma, it just pours out of me. In the words of a great 21st-century poet, “I’m beautiful in my way ’cause God makes no mistakes. I’m on the right track, baby I was born this way.”
Atmosphere
Cabra: We took an outdoor seat right on the street, and I must say it was quite enjoyable. The inside of Steelhead doesn’t really have much affect on me, other than making me feel like I should conduct a corporate executive meeting there in the giant leather seats. Streetside, however, gives you a glimpse at colorful Eugene. Two worlds collide with 1. the people who shop the Fifth Street Market for overpriced home goods and 2. the people who shoplift the Fifth Street Market for bikes not secured with a u-lock. Here is another example of the colorful side:
NMKS: The interior of Steelhead is almost identical to the inside of a TGI Friday with the addition of upholstered armchairs and an out-of-place English-style telephone booth, which the Brits would probably refer to as a “telephone kiosk,” “phone closet,” or something else that sounds equally charming, proper, and snobby to our boorish American ears. Regardless, Steelhead always feels too dark inside so I was much more excited about their outdoor seating option especially considering we’ve had multiple 100+F heat waves this summer and it was finally pleasant outside. Throw in some A-level people-watching and you’ve got yourself the best seat outside the house.
Server interaction
Cabra: I asked Ol’ Snail Trail what our server’s name was, and he said Darla so this scene ran through my head the rest of the night. In the end, it turns out her name is not Darla, but something like Lindsey or Cindy or something else you would call a baby in 1982. Needless to say, we did not have much interaction with her.
NMKS: I like water. Darla excelled at keeping our water glasses filled, ergo I liked Darla.
Presentation
NMKS: The first things I noticed as Darla set down the nachos: (1) two plates were used (2) the cheese was fully melted and (3) the toppings were thoroughly integrated with each other creating a vibrant, edible food mosaic. It warms my heart and stimulates my appetite to see double-plated nachos because it infers that they were generously heated, which in turn implies fully melted cheese and a satisfying sensory experience to follow. The evolution of nachos has progressed in such a way that there are two extant varieties: the interwoven topping blanket and segregated topping mounds. I don’t think that one nacho species is better than the other, they simply offer a different experience to the consumer. Type A personalities seem to prefer nachos with separate topping clusters since they enable them to create a tailored eating strategy, one that suits their anal particular personality. Type Bs don’t have a preference, they just roll with whatever comes their way and are simply happy to be eating nachos, period.
Cabra: I can’t decide which type I am! Part of me likes choosing my own toppings and playing Top Chef, but I also love me a good, melty pile of goopy schmoopy cheesey bloops. So what is it? Type A? Type B? B? A? Is this how ABBA got their name? Someone who makes the internet should add that fact to to ABBA’s wikipedia page, pronto.
Chip to topping ratio
Cabra: These nachos were definitely topping heavy, so when we got a little peek at all the dry chips inside the nacho cave I wasn’t dismayed there were still plenty of fixins’ to adequately “top my nach”. It just required a little more planning on behalf of the eater. I don’t mind this, because sometimes I like to feel like I’m an engineer and have control over my gastro decisions. But I only want plate-sized control and not buffet-sized control. Buffets are my nemesis because 1. they give me too many decisions 2. I end up panicking and eating everything, and 3. my stumpy arms can’t always reach the food in the middle of the buffet so I have to go under the sneeze guard and then I get mean looks. It’s a stressful experience all around.
NMKS: As always, Cabra eloquently summed it up. Plenty of toppings were to be had, but the distribution was grossly imbalanced much akin to wealth distribution in the United States. There was a thin layer of chips wallowing in a surfeit of toppings supported by the dry chip majority, jostling for crumbs that trickle through the cracks. At one point I tunneled through the calorie-rich top layer to investigate the full extent of the topping imbalance. My eyes were met with a barren, golden brown landscape. If I didn’t have my glasses on I might have confused the nacho substrate with an aerial photo of the Gobi desert: rolling hills of bone dry chips as far as the eye can see. I’ll be sure to emulate the chef’s nacho arrangement next time I’m building an open-air shed to season some firewood.
Chip integrity
Cabra: Snail Trail loved these chips. He wanted to marry them, which is mostly legal in Eugene. I wanted to date these chips in hopes of them paying for a nice dinner, then I would stop responding to their texts the next day. In other words, I felt indifferent but the chips served their purpose at the time. (Tom- I have never cheated on you with a chip. I only would if I thought I could get a free meal out of it, then I would order extra and bring you my leftovers, ok?)
NMKS: I was pleased with the durability of these chips. Granted, most of the chips weren’t subjected to the degradation caused by moisture and the stress of toppings over time. They proved to be perfectly adequate for scooping up toppings without fracturing. However, the lavish chips resting on top of the scrum buckled a bit when lifted. What I loved most about these chips was their crunchiness, which was loud enough to drown out the sound of Laura’s mouth-breathing and 30%-of-the-time-funny jokes.*
*Laura laughs at her own jokes more than anyone else does. To Laura, her jokes are funny 100% of the time. It’s admirable because she has fun regardless.
Overall Taste
NMKS: Salty. Wet. Creamy. Crunchy. No, I’m not talking about the PayDay that Laura tragically dropped in the ocean when she slipped on the deck of the Ruby Princess back in 1996 during her family’s Caribbean cruise. Steelhead’s nachos weren’t remarkable, but they were satisfying. The nachos come with lime cilantro sour cream, but it just tasted like sour cream to me, which is fine because sour cream is my favorite protein shake. I appreciated the inclusion of avocado in their nachos, but was inexplicably weirded out by their referring to it as “avocado sauce” on their menu.
Cabra: RIP, ocean PayDay. Word has it that a young(er) Steve Pink, director of Hot Tub Time Machine, was on that same cruise and watched my fall from the deck above. This is how he got the idea for Water World 3: Now it’s Payday. I think it went straight to vhs.
Level of Drunkenness
Cabra: Absolute zero. I was more sober than a polar bear contemplating the impending global warming.
NMKS: Interesting fact: last winter my friend’s mom did a ceremony to find my spirit animal, which turned out to be the polar bear. I didn’t know what to make of that discovery. On one hand, polar bears are pretty resourceful, powerful, and cunning. On the other hand, their fate is not very rosy. Does that mean that I, too, have a dismal future? Will I have to throw everything I’ve learned out the window and try to adapt to a world that I’m ill-suited for? I didn’t have anything to drink at Steelhead, but all this talk about polar bears and imminent danger makes me want a few drinks now….
Company
Cabra: Oh Tom, my Tom. I want to give a quick shout-out to Tom for being awesome these past few weeks while I have been super busy. He cleans the house, cooks us meals, takes care of the dogs, and then when I spend my time eating nachos instead of going home to help him, he still tags along to support me. He also sported a sweet mustache for a couple weeks. Here is my favorite Tom story from 2015: I had the most awesome surprise 30th birthday party back in January that came to a halt when some random pedestrians set off a fire extinguisher in the house, dousing everything in a fine, white powder. It was the biggest mess I have ever seen. The cops are called, show up and are questioning the party goers when Tom, open beer in hand, walks up to them and says, “I think you should dust for fingerprints”.
NMKS: Tom looked like an off-duty sheriff deputy as he approached our table with sunglasses, motorcycle motor scooter helmet, and mustache. It made me see him in a new light. I’ve always thought of him as an intelligent, kind man with an often vulgar sense of humor. Perhaps it’s all just a ruse and he’s really an agent for the Australian Secret Intelligence Service. He does tend to steer conversations towards political matters….Laura, how well do you really know Tom?
Overall
NMKS: All around, a pretty decent plate of nachos. The cost:food ratio was favorable and the taste was average. From the atmosphere to the service to the food, everything was middle-of-the-road. Accordingly, I award Steelhead a 3-chip rating.
Cabra: I’ll give them a 3.5. Good portion, good price, good seating, good people watching and pretty ok taste. Like the sign says on the outside of BBQ King, “good n’ good”.
In closing, I leave you this: