https://www.applebees.com/
Order: Neighborhood Nachos Chicken (not a typo…)
Price: it depends, $11.59 if you live in a cool, tax-free state; $35+ everywhere else
Server: Katrina C. (Kory’s waitress) / “Nameless” was Laura’s waiter (Laura is self-centered and doesn’t concern herself with knowing “the help”)
Nacho Man Kory Savage (“NMKS”): We’re backkkkkkk…..(be sure to read that in the creepiest, psycho thriller whisper voice you can muster, the proverbial curtains to match these drapes….fun fact: that photo was taken by Laura’s mom while Laura waited to be picked up by her date for the senior prom)
Long time, no ‘chos, as they say in our line of work. I’m just going to clear the air right away so there aren’t any elephants or dirty laundry in the room. Yes, we took two years off after finishing our last review. Yes, that’s a long time. Yes, we abandoned you. No, we don’t feel bad about it. However, we thought about you every day. Besides, y’all should count your blessings, chickens, and unhatched eggs because two years is nothing compared to the sabbaticals taken by some of our equally esteemed colleagues. How long have “A Song of Ice and Fire” fans been waiting for George R.R. Martin to finish writing The Winds of Winter? Um, let me check my diary….EIGHT years. And what about the throngs of people chomping at the bit for Lin-Manuel Miranda to pen the sequel to America’s favorite musical, Hamilton? More than four years! Laura could give you a more precise figure if you’re really curious, she spends all of her waking hours refreshing Lin-Manuel’s Twitter feed hoping for news about Hamilton 2: The Curse of the Legacy Tree.
Laura Nachopacabra (“Cabra”): Let’s not forget about Kory’s favorite movie of all time that just happens to be a sequel 19 years in the making, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. He went to the midnight premier screaming “Kali Maaaaa!” and got kicked out. However, everyone knows Kory keeps his watch on military time so he got confused and was actually attending the matinee of Kit Kittredge: An American Girl. There was lots of crying involved and long story short, Kory is now suing the American Girl franchise because they refused to make a doll in his likeness. Fortunately, he has a friend like me who did a little research and found an exact match. Now wipe away those tears with a chip and put your guac pants on, it’s ‘cho time.
Atmosphere
NMKS: The last time I was in an Applebee’s was during the Clinton-Gore administration and aside for the abundance of craft beer on tap and mounted credit card terminals at every table, you could have easily convinced me that it was still 1995. Applebee’s really understands the American love affair with having choices, not just on a menu, but also in seating options. Do you like 2-tops tucked away in the back corner, far from the deafening quiet of a non-existent Tuesday lunch crowd? Applebee’s has you covered. Perhaps you prefer lording over the other patrons from the dizzying heights of a high-top smack dab in the middle of the restaurant, bathed in a celestial glow? #AHYC (this is a sick hashtag I invented that means, “Applebee’s has you covered.” I’m fairly confident that there are some Take It Up a Nacho fanboys at Applebee’s corporate that will dole out sick discounts and promos if you start tagging your photos and life moments with it). Or maybe you fancy the taut, yet supple, red pleather booth seating along the periphery…#AHYC
Cabra: Want to sit close to a woman in a full length fancy dress and an excitingly fashionable straw hat while she slams a pitcher of beer before noon? #AHYC. That was my experience. I really wanted to take a surreptitious photo, but with my luck 1. The flash would go off and 2. Someone would read our blog and recognize her because in Moscow, Idaho everybody knows your name….and your address and everyone owns guns. It’s spooky, yet somehow a very safe town. I legit left my car door open while dining at Applebees, and no one even touched my collection of signed Caspar Babypants cds.
NMKS: A few more points about the Applebee’s ambiance, I don’t know how others feel, but I for one take great comfort in going to the bathroom at a restaurant and having the same music that was playing in the front-of-the-house be softly playing from speakers above the toilets. It’s a rare form of continuity in an otherwise unpredictable and chaotic world. Another thing that grabbed my attention was the giant wall showcasing local youth sports teams. Someone did their homework and curated an impressively all-encompassing photo display of 4J and Bethel’s finest middle and high school athletes.
Cabra: And since Kory must stay 100 yards away from all middle and high schools, that’s as close of a look as he is going to get.
Server interaction
Cabra: I did not get the name of my server/bartender, but he was a good looking person who could have starred in Moscow, ID community theater production of Footloose. If I had to guess, his extra curricular activities include playing Madden on the weekend, practicing for jazz band auditions so he can reapply for college after taking a “gap year”, and eating at Buffalo Wild Wings. These are all just assumptions, but ones that have a 90% chance of being accurate.
NMKS: Katrina was a solid B+, she welcomed me within 60-seconds and then adapted well once it became clear to her that I already knew what I wanted before sitting down (I did my research ahead of time because remember, I’m a scientist) and was conducting a very important business meeting with my colleague. Let me make one thing perfectly clear just in case you were confused about the logistics of this nacho review. You might be wondering, or even audibly asking your computer/phone/tablet/screen reader, “Buuut, Laura lives in Idaho and Kory lives in Oregon, how are they doing this?” Are you ready for the big reveal? We are at two different Applebee’s locations! It’s like that movie where you find out that the one guy isn’t that guy because that guy is actually the guy’s twin brother. Cabra and I video conferenced while eating our nachos, which meant I had to figure out a way to fairly assess the quality of these nachos with the sweet sounds of Laura wolfing down tortilla chips like Slimer attacking a food spread pounding in my ear. Until further notice, all future nacho reviews will be chain restaurants.
Cabra: Also, Kory is actually my identical twin brother. We share the same genes and the same jeans because we also love Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Be on the lookout for the 4th installment coming soon to VHS, “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: When Yeast Meets West”.
The part about me making eating sounds in his ear is entirely true. You can see it in the first photo — both my mouth full of chips and his disdain for my chewing sounds. To be fair, chewing sounds are like my number one least favorite thing.
Presentation
Cabra: These looked pretty damn nice, but I noticed a fine liquid cheese skin starting to form after a minute. I wanted to wait for Koko to receive his, but the impending skin had me concerned. Do you remember as a kid when you would put a layer of Elmer’s Glue on the back of your hand, let it dry, and then peel it off real slow in order to achieve a giant skin-flake? I’m pretty sure this liquid cheese would have the exact same effect. Kory (who ate a lot of glue as a tween), would you confirm the similar consistency?
NMKS: As much as I enjoy Elmer’s vegan chicharrones, I didn’t have any concern about the nucleation of the liquid cheese (maybe the Applebee’s cheese product congeals quicker at higher altitudes? – I smell a joint dissertation, multiple peer-reviewed publications, tenured faculty positions, and a segment with Dr. Oz in our futures should we choose to further investigate this phenomena). On the contrary, I was sufficiently whelmed by the plate of nachos when it arrived. The looks of it stoked the hunger that was slowly burning in my stomach and, if I recall correctly (mind you it’s been a few months), there was a noticeable, albeit slight, increase of saliva in my mouth once Katrina left me alone with the corn pile. For reasons unexplained, these nachos reminded me of the Sim City 2000 cover art, perhaps because it was well-balanced, orderly, and contained a bit of everything.
Cabra: For anyone who has a better sonic memory, you can revisit your SimCity 2000 days here. Let me tell you, it took me back. Those tunes! They shot straight out of my hippocampus and now are pinging off my brain walls and making all sorts of feelings. There has never been and will never be a greater soundtrack. These songs are what Kory’s voicemail greeting strives to be.
NMKS: I’ve always thought that if/when I get married the processional music absolutely has to be the third song on this soundtrack (timestamp 3:00). #ultimatum
Chips to topping ratio
NMKS: I don’t know if it was the particular line cook or a strict adherence to Applebee’s’ nacho manifesto, but the assembly of chips and toppings was. on. point. Like, immaculate y’all. Part of me wonders if they just put a 3d printer in the kitchen, threw an apron and hairnet on it, then let it go to town because the layering and quantity of accoutrement was flawless. I know that edible printable technology has come a long way so I wouldn’t be surprised. Maybe Applebee’s has been playing this close to its chest, trying to avoid any bad press about laying off their entire kitchen staff and replacing them with a Ricoh. I took a peak at their Q1 financials for 2019 and noticed an interesting dip in wage expenditures and a jump in shareholder dividends….
Cabra: Ditto the Koko. Dare I say, I almost ran out of chips and I hadn’t even been playing the conservative game. My version of the conservative game is living my life in moderation and never breaking any rules. Kory’s version of the conservative game is owning 4 pairs of underwear and doing laundry every other week.
Price
Cabra: Everything is more expensive here, so it was no surprise that my nachos cost more. Seeing how Applebees is well known for their commitment to local and fresh produce, it would make sense because ethically sourced liquid skin cheese is harder to grow in this climate.
NMKS: Another factor contributing to the high cost of liquid skin cheese is that it’s a dying art. Generally speaking, fewer people have opted for careers in the trades which has created a large generation and knowledge gap with regards to liquid skin cheese production. Shamefully, I’ll admit that I have not read through the Green New Deal legislation, but if it contains any earmarks or pork-barrel spending for liquid skin cheese vocational training then A.O.C. has my vote. What I’m trying to say is that I think the price is more than fair.
Level of Drunkenness
Cabra: I was as sober as a University of Idaho staff council meeting during an ongoing budget crisis.
NMKS: Sober as Robert Downey Jr. (post-2003).
Company
Cabra: Kory told me a story about a festering staph infection his friend had, and I legit had to stop eating. I didn’t like that part. However, I did like that I got to see Kory from a distance and pretend we were ‘Cho Bro-ing out again. I miss him something fierce.
NMKS: When Laura and I lived together we had a few housemates that were notorious for loud-eating. I’m talking like, major lip-smacking (side note: remember Lip Smackers? What was your favorite flavor, Lola?), something the two of us were acutely aware of. Lots of eye rolling and wide-eyed glances were shared between the two of us in those moments. I just learned that there’s a condition that describes a strong aversion to mouth sounds, it’s called misophonia. Maybe I’m borderline misophonic, maybe full-blown, what I do know is that listening to Laura mow down on nachos through my ear bud was very triggering. I tried to put on a good face and not show my repulsion because I know how much seeing me again meant to her. I took a cold shower and wept for a solid 20-minutes after lunch.
Cabra: For the record, Kory washes his laundry in the shower, which is why they are cold (don’t want those colors to run). Also for the record, the only “makeup” I have ever used to fruition in my entire life was a tube of Lipsmackers Cotton Candy flavored lip balm. Absolutely true story- on St. Patricks Day in 2010, I went to my dear friend’s (Alyssa) dad’s house to watch a parade aka have drunk people throw tootsie rolls at me while sitting in a lawn chair on the side of the road. On our way there, we stopped at The Body Shop on the plaza and I proceeded to purchase a concealer stick thing. And guess what. It is still in my rotation! Look at this text I sent Alyssa in January, 2020…
I can’t add her response because it contains a bad word, but I just wanted to prove my dedication. The photo above is the watermark on my resume because I’m a millennial and creative like that. Also, the only text on my resume is “see watermark for reference”. Millennial!
Overall
Cabra: ‘Chos before bros!
NMKS: You know what, I think Applebee’s nachos are a good value. Admittedly, I did not enter into this review with high hopes or any hint of impartiality, but the evidence won me over. If only a similar occurrence happened to Mitch McConnell and the senate during the impeachment trial….