http://elkhornbrewery.com/
Order: Nachos with ground elk and pulled pork (serves 3-3.5 people)
Price: $10.95 + $3 for meat add-on | Server: Night B.
Dinner guests: None (translation: “Date Night”)
Laura Nachopacabra (“Cabra”): Kory and I had our first solo nacho outing, and it was about as uncomfortable as this true story: One time I was out to dinner with some friends in Kansas City, and the restaurant was filled with high school kids going to prom. There were two young teenagers, I presumed a couple, arguing near our table.
Teenage girl: “You’ll be fine for another hour. Let’s just go to the dance and leave early.”
Teenage boy: “No, my mom says I have to leave now and she is coming to pick me up”.
Intervening Waitress: “Is there a problem?”
Teenage Boy: “I have to cancel our reservation because I swallowed my boutonniere pin and now my mom has to take me to the emergency room for surgery”.
Nacho Man Kory Savage (“NMKS”): I’d eat nachos with Laura 9 times out of 10 if the alternative was going to the emergency room to dislodge a boutonniere pin from my esophagus. I’d occasionally opt for the E.R. visit on the off-chance that (1) the hospital staff sees something suspicious in my x-rays, runs more tests, discovers a life-threatening ______________, fixes it, and ultimately I’m saved by my own stupidity (2) the vending machine that dispenses ice cream sandwiches and other cold desserts malfunctions and starts spitting out free treats at the push of a button (3) while I’m waiting for my name to be called I see a another patient being wheeled around on a gurney with a bouquet of flowers sticking out of their butt. I’ve been told that the removal of foreign objects from people’s rectum is one of the most common reasons for a visit to the emergency room. And yes, the bouquet of flowers is a true story. No, it didn’t happen to me, it happened to a friend of mine….
Cabra: For the record, I was not that friend.
Atmosphere
NMKS: Whoever drew up the plans to convert the former Carl’s Jr. restaurant into its current state did a bang up job. The interior space isn’t what I’d consider cozy, but it is a far cry from the sterile, impersonal aesthetic of American fast food chain restaurants. The multi-tiered seating is pretty unique and if you like windows, you’d probably drool over the upper deck seating. Cabra and I opted to sit in their patio, which was very pleasant and a stark contrast to the urban hunter vibe happening inside the brewery.
Cabra: I very much liked the outside seating area. There were a lot of dead animals on the inside of the restaurant that I didn’t love. Of course, I ate some of these animals that very night (I’m looking at you, cute fuzzy elk face!), but like the hypocritical, animal-loving carnivore that I am, I don’t like to be reminded that the meat I eat comes wrapped in a fluffy package with wet little noses. Great, now I’m sad.
Server Interaction
Cabra: Our server said about 38 words to us total, and part of that was Kory notifying him that I have trust issues. It’s true. We ordered at the bar area, took our number outside, and someone else brought us the food. I’m fine with minimal server interaction as long as we are taken care of. We were. Good job, Night B!
NMKS: Night B. seemed laid back. I’m guessing that he takes full advantage of Measure 91 being in effect or maybe his resting face is just characterized by heavy lidded eyes and expressionlessness. He was very accommodating to our request for nachos with an elk-pulled pork duo and didn’t charge us extra. I interacted with three different Elk Horn employees and they were all helpful.
Presentation
Cabra: This was by far the largest serving of nachos we have received. Someone could have almost hidden in them and jumped out like they do out of cakes for celebrities on their birthdays. Kory, if you could have any single person jump out of a cake on your birthday, who would it be?
NMKS: Probably Tom Waits. I think he’d look funny with his wrinkles, pockmarks, and fedora covered in cake bits and I’d get to hear him sing the birthday song, which I think is the only way to have the birthday song sound cool and sonically pleasing. Who would you choose?
Cabra: Daniel Day Lewis in the character of Daniel Plainview, but he doesn’t follow the directions and just slashes his way out of the cake with a bowling pin yelling “DRAAAAAAINAGE!”.
Chip to Topping Ratio
NMKS: Despite a few dry chips around the edges and in the middle of the pile, the topping dispersal was quite good. As we’ve probably mentioned in the past, having the toppings congregated on top isn’t inherently bad; it’s only a problem if you don’t recognize it early on and plan ahead. Eating nachos that have a severe topping imbalance is kind of like putting money into a 401(k) or IRA; if you don’t think long term you’re going to be left with little or nothing down the road. Regret is not a tasty nacho topping. So, be judicious with your toppings (and your money), don’t splurge and squander them in a frenzy. Savor the flavor, ya heard?
Cabra: My rule is to wait until I’m 30 to think about a 401(k) or IRA…..well……shit. My new rule is to wait until I’m 35 and until them I’m going to keep pretending that IRAs are just a misspelling of IPAs. That’s a good rule! These nachos had liquid beer cheese all over them, and it was amazing! Not many of the standard toppings were represented- no tomatoes, no salsa, no cilantro. Basically, there were not many vegetables on these nachos, which was great in my book! Kory and I went big and got two different kinds of meat- pulled pork and elk- and I was not disappointed that most of the toppings were beer cheese, sour cream and meat.
Overall Taste
NMKS: This plate of nachos was a tsunami of flavor that crashed upon my taste buds and overwhelmed my senses. Everything tasted uber fresh. You want to know how to get kids (or Laura) to eat their vegetables? Smother them in beer cheese. I wish I drooled beer cheese so that when I woke up in the morning I’d have a tasty snack waiting for me on my pillow. The ground elk and pulled pork were both delicious and I’ll find it hard to eat nachos in the future without at least one of the meats strewn all over them. Bonus points for using scallions instead of chopped onions; not only are scallions classier, they also play nicely with other flavors unlike raw onions, which are like bullies pushing around the other kids at recess, leaving a bad taste in everyone’s mouth.
Cabra let me take home the leftover nachos and since leftover nachos are soggier than a toddler’s Pampers, I decided to turn them into chilaquiles. With the addition of a couple eggs and some sauerkraut, the nacho remnants took on new life and transformed into a locomotive that pulled me into the station at Flavortown. There were enough leftover nachos for me to make two servings of chilaquiles. WTF?!?! That nacho plate just didn’t quit.
Cabra: These nachos were so incredible that we went back the next week with more friends, and then I went back the week after that with Tom. Then my wonderful boss, Leslie, brought me her leftover Elkhorn nachos the following day. I had Elkhorn nachos 4 times in 3 weeks. I wrote a haiku about them:
Oh Elk Horn nachos
I need self control, because
Now my pants don’t fit
Level of Drunkenness
NMKS: Cabra and I decided to get wild and each ordered an alcoholic beverage. Yes, you read that correctly, the TIUAN team had drinks! What an historic event! I ordered Elk Horn’s peach cider. Sounds good on paper, right? In reality, the cider tasted eerily similar to grape-flavored Dimetapp, yes, the allergy and cold medicine. It was gross. However, it brought up mixed emotions for me. When I was a small child I actually enjoyed the taste of grape Dimetapp. A large part of my enjoyment stemmed from the fact that if I was tasting grape Dimetapp it meant I was staying home from school and thus had an entire day to devote to video games and television. This far outweighed any physical discomfort brought on by my being sick. Getting sick as an adult is a lot less glamorous and fun. Every sip of that rank cider was tinged with the bitterness of my lost youth. My personal pity party only lasted a few minutes because I decided to approach one of the servers and ask if they’d be kind enough to pour me something else, which they so graciously consented to. With a nacho-stretched belly and a mostly consumed hefeweizen, I started to feel a little tipsy. I’ll admit to being a cheap date with regard to booze, but in this case I’m pretty sure I was robotripping off those sips of Dimetapp-infused peach cider. If the USAU is reading this, please don’t drug test and ban me from playing in sanctioned ultimate frisbee tournaments, I didn’t willingly consume any banned substances. I assure you that any doping claims leveled against me are 100% false.
Cabra: Kory, I don’t think the drink will make you test positive. It was probably the shots of anabolic steroids we gave each other before the meal. Watch out, USAU Sectionals. We’re coming for you and this year we have a real roster*. I had a drink too, that tasted like a beer I didn’t really want to drink. We were forewarned that the beers at the Elkhorn might not be the best, but the food totally made up for it. I got a little warm feeling in my belly from the beer, but it could have just been the growth hormones I took at lunch. I hesitate to give a poor label to the beers at Elk Horn, mostly because I just found out they have both a Nutella and Samoa brew on tap that I very much want to try.
*last year we came for them and didn’t have a real roster so we were disqualified.
*update: we lost this year which is the reason I’m drowning my sorrows in beer cheese.
Company
Cabra: Is this where I have to say something nice about Kory? He smells like a can of Axe Body Spray exploded in a Goodwill. And he can’t type without looking at his fingers.
NMKS: Laura tells a lot of stories and the yarn that she spins is exceedingly amusing. Her trove of stories seems endless as she has a knack for attracting the bizarre and has uncanny observational skills. Though our friendship mostly revolves around throwing shade at one another, I think Laura is swell and is a really fun person to be around. You know what’s also fun? Mad libs! Welcome to the first edition of Take It Up a Nacho mad libs! Fill in the blanks as you see fit and send us the answers!
Cabra: Dammit, Kory. Here I am making fun of you and your stink, and you go and say something all nice about me. Guess I’ll return the favor. Kory is one of the most thoughtful people I know. He gives the absolute best presents that are always homemade and incredibly sentimental. Bruce the dog always wanted to sleep in his room when we lived together, which is pretty much the best compliment one can get. I actually like him a lot.
Overall
Cabra: This was a pretty great nacho experience overall. I didn’t have any expectations going into this restaurant, so I was extremely surprised at how damn good these nachos were. There were just so many nachos. I’m giving them 4.5 chips.
NMKS: Elk Horn Brewery has earned a spot on my list for “Respectable nacho joints in Eugene, OR” as well as “Places not to order drinks at.” I like nachos more than beer and cider so it’s very likely that I’ll return to Elk Horn to feed. I give them 4.5 chips.