http://elpatroneugene.com/
Order: Nachos El Patron, 1 order serves 2 people?
Price: $10.25 | Server: Gino
Dinner Guests: Alex Child
Nacho Man Kory Savage (“NMKS”): Happy National Nachos Day! Anyone that knows me knows that this is my favorite day of the year. Chanukah, New Year’s Eve, my birthday, Cashmir Pulaski Day: all days that I look forward to, but all pale in comparison to this day. It’s a tradition over here at Take It Up a Nacho to reflect on the past year of eating nachos and simultaneously look ahead to many more nacho-eating years, God willing. Accordingly, we like to share something that we’re thankful for, embarassed about, and looking forward to. I’ll start:
I’m thankful for the hundreds of fan letters that we receive each week. Laura and I feel so blessed to have such a loyal readership and we couldn’t be doing this without you.*
I’m embarrassed about the time I accidentally sneezed fundido cheese into Laura’s hair during one of our reviews and didn’t tell her about it. The truth is I didn’t want her to know because I intended to discreetly reclaim the cheese from her hair and eat it. If I told her about it she would have eaten it instead. It was my fundido cheese Laura, not yours!
I’m looking forward to buying an old VW bus and hitting the road on a nationwide nacho tour with Laura in 2016. We don’t have a Kickstarter setup for this project, but you can feel free to Paypal me money directly or send a cashier’s check to my house.
* We couldn’t do this without you because Laura is legally required by the State of Oregon to do 85 hours of community service because of a misdemeanor involving a blowup doll, jungle gym, and Abba’s 1976 hit single, “Dancing Queen”. She had a really good lawyer who convinced the judge that publishing scientific research that benefits the public interest qualifies as community service. I was her really good lawyer. My full name is actually: Nacho Many Kory Savage Esq.
Laura Nachopacabra (“Cabra”):
I’m thankful for friends like Kory who always tell the truth. I’m also thankful for all my other friends who never forget to call me last Saturday night when they were all hanging out at 16 Tons. At least they also forgot to call Kory. In his defense, it is difficult to get a hold of him because his phone is actually just a tin can with a piece of string attached to it.
I’m embarrassed when Kory uses his tin can phone in public.
I’m looking forward to the day that my “lawyer fees” are finally paid in full. Every time Kory and I hang out he references these, and I’m not even sure what it means. Last time I went to his house he made me fold his laundry while he talked to fake clients on his tin can phone. He kept yelling things like, “Case dismissed!”. Another time he had me pick him up in my car to drive him to his “office”. Per his directions, I dropped him off at a Papa’s Pizza in Springfield, but I heard he later got kicked out because he marked up all the indoor playground equipment with a novelty rubber stamp that read, “NOT GUILTY”. Kory says I still have 4 months of lawyer fees to pay off. I don’t know if our friendship will last that long.
NMKS: Now on to the meat and potatoes, if you will. Cabra and I decided to do something a little differently for this review. Our plan was to: (1) get very intoxicated (2) eat nachos (3) write a review immediately afterward while still inebriated. This gameplan was a departure from our modus operandi because normally neither of us is drunk and we typically write our reviews over a few week period following the nacho outing. Sounds fun, right? It was fun and we did a great job…with the first two phases of the plan. Apparently when I’m two (or seven) sheets to the wind and full on nachos I’d rather talk about the plight of classical music in our modern age than document my research findings and attempt to be witty. Considering the fact that we were drunk and all of this happened two weeks ago I need to make the following statement: this review is based on actual events. In certain cases incidents, characters and timelines have been changed for dramatic purposes.
Atmosphere
NMKS: If El Patron was a puppy it’d be the runt of the litter. It’s sandwiched between two highly successful restaurants and as a result doesn’t get much teat time. I’ve never seen more than two people inside. The interior is fairly large and filled with lots of booths, murals, red carpet, and arched doorways. It reminded me of an abandoned boardwalk amusement park.
Cabra: I didn’t even know this place existed until Kory mentioned it. The best part about the atmosphere was that we had the place to ourselves (I think), and one of the murals had a pretty lady studly dude that looked just like our friends Amalia and Lucas.
Server interaction
NMKS: Gino seemed astonished when we asked to be seated. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he said something to the effect of, “This is El Patron, if you were trying to eat at Laughing Planet they’re one door over.” Instead, he faithfully attended us with a strained smile on his face the entire time. I think he was bubbling over with happiness because we were there and he had to devote 80% of his energy to not letting his grin irreparably stretch his face. I liked Gino.
Cabra: Gino was maybe my favorite server so far. He was kind, attentive, and patient. At some point a different guy filled up our water, and he was the opposite of Gino. Well, I don’t know if that is the truth. I just remember saying something really funny to this other guy and he fake laughed. Gino would never fake laugh at me. I think now is a good time to mention that he gave us, like, $15 worth of free drinks. Kory and I had two huge margaritas (of which Kory drank his and ¾ of mine), and they didn’t end up on the tab. We saw this mistake, tipped Gino $10 on a $10.25 tab, then ran out of there. Gino was great.
Presentation
NMKS: Similar to how they looked when they exited my system. I can be more specific if you want a stronger visual. You know what was very aesthetically pleasing though? The complimentary chips and salsa that Gino brought out and replenished while we waited for our nacho plate.
Cabra: Kory didn’t even remember these nachos had beans on them until I showed him a photo the next day. The presentation looks much better than I remember them tasting.
NMKS: After seeing the photos now I agree that they don’t look half bad.
Chip to topping ratio
NMKS: El Patron scored highly in this category. All those chips were wetter than a tadpole’s tuckus.
Cabra: There was so much topping that we had to harvest some chips from the pre-dinner basket in order to wade through the mounds of sour cream-guac-melty-bean-cheese goodness.
Price
NMKS: The price was reasonable for the amount of nachos, but a tad high for the quality of nachos. If you are drunk as a skunk then it’s all copacetic.
Cabra: I don’t think the three of us even finished this plate, which means that a. it was a much bigger serving than any of us realized or b. we filled up too much on cheetos and brownies before going to dinner after our first round of drinks. I definitely admit to the latter.
Level of Drunkenness
NMKS: Somewhere between drunk and very drunk. I learned that multiple beers + apple pie moonshine + 1 ½ goblets of margarita + Pastis = a lethal hangover. I woke up at 3am feeling like Nick Nolte after his GHB and alcohol-fueled joyride on the Pacific Coast Highway. The silver lining is that Gino didn’t charge us for any of our margaritas. Was it a mistake? Was it a ploy to get us to keep coming back? Was it because he liked us? Why, God? Why?!?!?
Cabra: I had one beer at Claim 52, a third of a Sir-Orange-A-lot, one shot equivalent of apple pie moonshine, and ⅓-½ a margarita. I’m a super lightweight- this had me out of commission for all of the following day. Yikes. This is why the Level of Drunkeness category doesn’t come into play much.
Company
NMKS: Alex Child is almost always upbeat and full of energy, so much so that if you hear her say something negative about something then you know it’s probably justified and if she seems down then it’s probably for a substantial reason. She’s a teacher. I wish I was in her homeroom when I was little. She dressed as a butterfly for one of our animal-themed ultimate frisbee tournament costumes, which is very fitting because butterflies are pretty, always seem to bring the sunshine, and kind of jerkily flit around a space (if you’ve seen Alex dance you’ll know what I’m talking about…sorry Alex, but you’re kind of like Elaine Benes when you’re dancing, I think it’s endearing). Alex will be the quirky, goofy aunt that everybody adores.
Cabra: Once I was thinking about joining a local gym and wasn’t really feelin’ it. The gym guy was giving me a tour, and when we turned a corner I ran into Alex Child. I signed up without finishing the tour. Anywhere Alex is automatically makes it a place I want to be. She’s smart, considerate, bubbly, silly and a pretty person inside and out.
Overall
NMKS: In an attempt to be faithful to my feelings in the moment, I’m going to give El Patron’s nachos 3-chips. They were salty, cheesey, crunchy, and filling, which is everything I’m looking for in life when drunk. And it felt good to be appreciated by the waitstaff. El Patron is the anti-Cornucopia.
Cabra: I don’t think these nachos tasted super good. I wish I could remember. I would give this place 2-chips, but Gino and the free drinks bumps it up to 3.