http://www.cornucopiaeugene.com/
Order: 1 order of nachos with chicken and 1 order of nachos with steak
(1 order serves 2 people)
Price: $18.90-chicken and $18.45-steak
Server: Justine
Dinner Guests: Suzie, Tom, Will and Dan

Laura Nachopacabra (“Cabra”): Some of you* have asked how Kory and I decide on our nacho review locations. We have a pretty incredible Google doc comprised of various nacho eateries, both in Eugene and elsewhere, that we have gathered from extensive research or outside nacho headhunters aka friends. Occasionally, we get multiple recommendations to the same place, which definitely ups our expectations. Cornucopia was one of the places I had rather high hopes for. Spoiler alert: it ended up being more disappointing than the time it rained on my wedding day and there was a free ride but I’d already paid. Who would have thought? It figures…

*None of you have asked.

Nacho Man Kory Savage (“NMKS”): We developed a fairly complex algorithm that calculates our next nacho destination based on an array of comprehensive inputs (e.g. distance, hours of operation, whether or not Laura has to go home to let her dogs out, UV index, whether or not one of us has jury duty the next day and is willing to risk crop dusting the courtroom). What we learned this week is that the algorithm needs some tweaking to be more scrutinizing of our headhunters’ intel. Not everyone is a scientist like you and me, Laura; they don’t know how to be completely objective and leave their biases and emotions at the door.

Atmosphere

Cabra: Cornucopia is like a trashier version of my middle school years. There is an overall sense of peacefrogs and stussy signs, but also a lot of cleavage and lower back tats of jumping dolphins.

NMKS: There were a lot of awkward portraits hanging at even more awkward heights on the walls just below the ceiling. I also noticed that Cornucopia has two bars in opposite corners of the dining area, a span of less than 20ft. I meant to ask about the difference between the two, but forgot and then realized I didn’t actually want to know. These type of questions help pass the time when I’m sitting on the bus or waiting to see my dental hygienist (who, by the way, happens to be one of my favorite people in Eugene and I’d wait around to see her longer than a fanboy queueing up to see the midnight showing of Star Wars Episode VII). You know what is awesome about Cornucopia’s atmosphere? They play Phish on their stereo system! I don’t know if y’all know this about me, I am a Phish fan.

Cabra: Fun Fact: I see the same dental hygienist, and the only reason she likes me is because I name drop Kory every time I’m in there. Another Fun Fact: It was at this same dentist where I discovered I have an extra tooth growing in through almost the roof of my mouth. People don’t believe me, so this happens:

 

 

NMKS: That’s why everyone in Eugene has taken to calling Laura, “Shark Mouth”, which is fitting because her favorite band is Smash Mouth. If you walked into Laura’s bedroom anytime between 1999-2002 there was an extreme likelihood that “All Star” would be blasting on her stereo. Her freshman year roommate at KSU told me that on many occasions she walked into their dorm room and was overwhelmed by the sounds of Smash Mouth playing on Laura’s computer. Fun fact: “All Star” was Laura’s #1 hooking up song three years in a row until it was overthrown by John Mayer’s “Your Body Is a Wonderland”, which, according to my sources (Tom), is still her current #1 hooking up song. Laura told me in confidence that she’s seriously considering starting a Smash Mouth cover band called “Shark Mouth”. She wants to write all of the string arrangements.

 

 

Cabra: There is a huge lie in Kory’s statement. I most definitely did not go to “KSU”- Kansas State University. What is wrong with you? It’s like we’re not even friends. I’m a Jayhawk! PS Kory’s favorite hookup song is The Star Spangled Banner.

NMKS: I know you went to The University of Kansas and not Kansas State University. Why do you think I always ask if you know my friend Steve Sweat, who went to Kansas, every time we hang out? Maybe if I didn’t use up (waste) so many brain cells remembering the names of all the rare Beanie Babies, I’d know the acronyms for every American college and university like you do. By the way, if any readers out there have a mint condition Peanut or Pinchers I will buy it from you.

Server interaction

Cabra: I’ve never visited Cornucopia where I felt like the servers or staff didn’t severely dislike my presence. You can almost see their upper lip start to snarl when you walk in the front door. Someone in our polite party of 6 pointed out that they think Cornucopia’s notorious rudeness is an act, similar to some gimmicky diners where the wait staff wear roller skates. (sidenote: I spent a large amount of my childhood rollerskating around my parent’s basement listening to Amy Grant on my walkman.) Justine served us, and except for when Kory was flirting with her about goat meat, she didn’t seem interested in any of us enjoying our dinner.

NMKS: Goat meat is my human barometer, if you’re down with eating goat, you’re alright in my book.

 

Presentation

NMKS: [This paragraph has accompanying music, which can be cued up here] I’ve seen many a plate of nachos in my day. Some good, some not so good. Every now and then when I’m sitting at a restaurant and the stars are aligned in just the right way, I catch a slight movement out of the corner of my eye. I do a double take to confirm what, in my heart, I yearn to be true: a bountiful plate of piping hot nachos floating towards my table. The sudden head movement slightly blurs my vision and the surroundings. The blur slowly comes into focus at which point my heart begins to flutter and I just melt, right there in my seat. My breath is stolen from my body. I’m a fish out of water, gasping in the inhabitable air. The nachos are set down in front of me; I feel the flow of oxygen pass over my lungs and the endorphins hitting my brain. A thing of beauty lies before me, something more glorious than Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel. I want to weep tears of joy, but I refrain because I want to save all the napkins to wipe away the nacho remnants that will inevitably cling to my face and fingers (and in Laura’s case, whatever shirt she’s wearing at the time). This was not the feeling I got from Cornucopia’s nachos. Instead, they were more like the end of a junior high dance when the gymnasium lights turn on; moments before everything was so magical, you were slow dancing with your crush, watching the disco ball spin soft columns of light around the room, and then pow!, it’s jarringly bright and you see that your crush is wearing headgear and has gummy worm bits stuck in their braces. Woof. [At this point you may turn off the accompanying music, or let it play out if you want.]

Cabra: These put off a weird vibe, like the time Kory shaved his mustache and beard. They were recognizable as nachos, but creepy.

 

Chip to topping ratio

NMKS: The chip:topping ratio was sort of like the public school system in America: overcrowded with too few resources to go ‘round.

Cabra: They were also like the public transportation system in America: creepy and smelled like pee and meth. Ok so maybe my analogy didn’t work as well as Kory’s.

Price

Cabra: Tom and I once went to a Thai restaurant, sat down and drank some water, looked at the menu/prices, then walked out with the excuse that Tom had left his wallet at home because it was so expensive. Everytime we drive by that restaurant we say something, “I know a really great Thai restaurant around here”, then we laugh because it was opposite of great. We couldn’t afford it, but at least the Thai restaurant had their prices on the menu so we knew what we were getting into. Cornucopia advertised their nachos as $13.95, which is on the higher range of nachos we have reviewed. Meat added to the nachos cost $4.5-$5.00 extra, which brought a plate of nachos up to almost $20.00. Oh, and the “heaping pile” they advertise in their menu only was enough for two people with no leftovers. The price of these nachos brought down the rating by at least a full chip for me.

NMKS: Continuing the public school metaphor from above, at least with public schools we can point to the cause of the overcrowding and lack of resources: lack of funding. However, as Laura pointed out, at $20/plate, Cornucopia’s nacho operation should be sufficiently funded. This suggests that there’s an egregious mismanagement of funds. Cornucopia is clearly spending too much money on (1) sending their servers to Bad Attitude School (2) hanging portraits on their walls and (3) buying tiny food delivery cars to drive around Eugene.

Level of Drunkenness

Cabra: Tom, Kory and I split a 22 oz. Sir Orangelot from Hop Valley. It was the best part of the meal, but it cost $6.50, which also made it the worst part of the meal. Just kidding, the worst part of the meal was the price of the meal.

NMKS: The beer was quite tasty and smooth. In hindsight, I would have rather just bought $20 worth of beer and drank my dinner.

 

Company

 

Cabra: We had a fun group of peeps- Suzie, Dan, Tom and Will. I believe we have nacho’d with everyone but Dan, so I’m just going to talk about him while giving a shout out to the others (shoutout: Hi Will, Suzie and Tom). Dan is probably one of the coolest people I’ve met, and I let him know this by constantly making fun of everything he does. I once gifted him a sweater that he wore for a long time. I found it on the street next to a deserted shopping cart.

NMKS: I have never gifted Dan anything, but I have purchased one of his high-quality, handmade leather wallets and commissioned him to make me a leather belt to use with a buckle that my friend made me for my birthday. If you are into quality handmade, functional goods then I highly suggest checking out his shop. There you go Dan, now I have given you something, $850 worth of free publicity.

 

Overall

Cabra: This place was our biggest disappointment yet, kinda like having breakfast for dinner. Yeah. I said it. Breakfast for dinner really bothers me, and I feel like everyone who says they love it actually just loves the quirkiness and are following some current trend. I only want to eat a stupid pancake if it’s within 30 minutes of waking up. Know what bothers me more? People who take photos of their breakfast for dinner. Know what bothers me most? Cornucopia’s insanely overpriced nachos.

NMKS: The best thing about the nachos at Cornucopia was listening to Phish and drinking an overpriced beer with my friends.

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