a.k.a. “Cinco de Mayo”
http://burritoboy.com/
Order: Pork nachos, 1 order serves 1-2 people
Price: $8.65 | Server: Unknown

Nacho Man Kory Savage (“NMKS”): Forgive us, readers, for we have sinned. It has been over 195 days since our last review. During this time we have engaged in copious nacho exploits, but have failed to chronicle them for our faithful and loyal disciples. Take mercy on us, for the night is dark and full of terrors and your devotion is the only protection we have.

Laura Nachopacabra (“Cabra”): Kory is lying — he actually spent the last 6.5 months at a meditation retreat, hoping to cure his athlete’s foot with mind control. Well, now we’re back and fungus free (almost)! Bring on the nachos!

Atmosphere

NMKS: Burrito Boy is a chain with seven locations in the Eugene-Springfield area. We chose the East Broadway restaurant, which is on a moderately busy arterial street connecting the two cities. The north side of the road has a new highrise apartment complex for students that towers over the modest-sized Burrito Boy. Surprisingly, the interior of this place was actually quite pleasant. There was a lot of natural light spilling into the dining area and the building had pretty stellar sound dampening properties that mitigated the din of the rush-hour traffic. However, the downside to the noise reduction was that I could hear Laura blowing spit bubbles through the side of her mouth, something I’ve noticed her do when she’s nervous, hungry, or really excited.

Cabra: I couldn’t see anything past the major sausage fest going on. There were a ton of Y chromosomes, and all of of them were in workout clothes with the exception of the guy next to me who had a cell phone holder on his belt in the shape of a gun. If I had to change the name of the restaurant to correctly reflect the atmosphere, I would call it Burrito Bro. And if I had to change the name of the restaurant to correctly reflect the dude with the gun-shaped cell phone holder, I would call it Burrito Loser.

NMKS: I didn’t see any of these “bros” that Laura referred to. I’m fairly certain she was just living out one of her fantasies in which she’s working the nightshift at the 24-hour fitness center on campus and a blizzard knocks the power out, trapping her inside with nothing but industrial-sized cans of Del Monte Fruit Cocktail, back issues of Teen Beat (where is JTT these days?), and a small litter of twentysomethings.

Full disclosure: my back was to the rest of the restaurant, all I could see was a beige wall, an unbroken procession of slowly moving cars, and Laura’s forehead mole. That being said, it very well could have been a brofest inside of Burrito Boy.

Cabra: I’m pretty self-conscious about my forehead mole, and everything Kory said is true re: Del Monte Fruit Cocktail and a small litter of twentysomethings.

Server interaction

Cabra: We didn’t have a server, but the person behind the counter did bring our nachos out to us. That was nice. Way nicer than the time Kory made me spill coffee everywhere when he jumped out behind me yelling “danger!”.

NMKS: I tried to warn you, Laura, that’s why I yelled, “danger!”. Gosh, that’s the last time I try to do you a favor.

Cabra: It was also way nicer than the time Kory stepped on my sandwich.

 

Presentation

NMKS: I must say that I was taken aback when nameless brought over our plate of nachos, they looked very appetizing. Upon closer inspection, we noticed that the refried beans were quite pale and desiccated, resembling mud cracks that appear in old riverbeds after a rainstorm. Additionally, a lot of the pork was actually just fat, which can be delicious, but not in the abundance observed on our plate.

Cabra: Before seeing these nachos, I’ve never hallucinated other than that one time Kory stepped on my sandwich with his foot and got his foot fungus on my sandwich. After I ate the infected sandwich I went on a crazy trip similar to this. I must have been hallucinating when these nachos came out, because they looked fantastic.

NMKS: Sounds like you went on a journey to delicious and beyond.

 

Chip to topping ratio

NMKS: The quantities of chips and toppings were satisfactory, but like many ‘a restaurants, the integration of the two was not very thorough. You could’ve used the bottom chips for kindling.

Cabra: There was a lot of stuff on these chips. By stuff, I don’t necessarily mean food stuff because some of it was not edible. Most of it was edible. Most. Just like if you removed all the keys on my computer keyboard, most of the stuff you would find would be edible. But you wouldn’t want to eat it.

Price

Cabra: These nachos cost me $8.65, which is the maximum amount I will pay for Kory to be friends with me.

NMKS: Laura is the only person I know that actually buys friendships. One time when she went to the bathroom she left her Friend Matrix on the table, which is kind of like the Kelley Blue Book for friendships. I am not sure how valuation is determined, but I do know that Laura’s monthly friendship payments are greater than her rent and student loans combined. Also, Laura hasn’t contributed any $$$ to help pay for the costs of running this website, so her passive aggressive comment just rolled off my back, which is impressive because most things get caught in my back hair immediately upon contact.*

*I was part of a clinical trial back in college that tested the effectiveness of tooth whitening strip adhesives and one of the side effects I experienced was velcro-like body hair. It’s taken some getting used to.

Cabra: The 2016 model of Kory just depreciated by 14% due to faulty wiring and a failed emissions test.

Level of Drunkenness

Cabra: None. I did notice there was a vat of horchata that had probably been sitting for so long it was fermented. That would have done some damage to my sobriety.

NMKS: Being drunk or inebriated would have been a blessing (see below), but, alas, I was drier than Moore County, Tennessee.

Company

NMKS: Laura, whom I will refer to as “Grumplestiltskin” for the rest of the review, was not her normal, upbeat, talkative self. Her enthusiasm for our research that day was about as low as Donald Trump’s polling numbers among Hispanic women. Everyone has “off” days and while Grumplestiltskin is one-of-a-kind, she’s still human and thus, susceptible to mood fluctuations. We did have a pleasant post-nacho stroll around town, though.

Cabra: Thursdays are by far my most sleepy day of the week. And when I get sleepy I also get grumpy. I call it “slumpy”. I’m going to make a Marsh Maxim from here out and say that I am not responsible for my behavior/attitude after 6:00 pm on Thursdays. My feelings that day can be summed up in this photo of me sleeping on the way home from an ultimate tournament….

 

Overall

Cabra: We were supposed to do a Cinco de Mayo Nacho Crawl, but after these nachos I hit a wall. When I get slumpy all my bodily systems shut down, starting with my ability to process food. Then I get cold. Then it is game over. All this happens in about 5 minutes, and I usually don’t heed the warning signals. Wait, am I a toddler? Regardless, people who deal with me when this happens are the best, especially the guy who is about to marry me despite knowing this is going to happen every day for the rest of our lives. Anyway, I’m going to give Burrito Bro 2 chips, and if I happen to eat there at a time that isn’t the witching hour, then I might upgrade it by half a chip.

NMKS: I was bummed that our nacho crawl didn’t pan out; hopefully we’ll resurrect that idea in the not-too-distant future. My impulse was to give Burrito Boy three chips, but that’s in large part from my surprise that their nachos weren’t as gross as I thought they’d be. That’s not good science. Objectively, they were a 2.5-chip plate.

 

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