Order: Nachos with pulled beef and four sides of candied yams, mac & cheese, pork & beans, and BBQ chips. And tater tots. (1st visit) Nachos with pulled pork (2nd visit)
Price: $11 for nachos, $2 per/side
Server: Darius (order at counter), various
Website

Nacho Man Kory Savage (“NMKS”): Happy new year! I know what y’all are thinking, “This review is dated October 11th, so why the frig is he wishing me a happy new year?” The answer is that through some really clever internet trickery (i.e. our laziness and lack of accountability) we went back in time to post this review in 2016 even though it is very much 2017 all around the world. I’m not sure how familiar everyone is with the Chinese Zodiac calendar, but 2017 happens to be the Year of the Nacho, which, we at Take It Up a Nacho, believe to be very auspicious.

 

A lot has happened since our last review; Laura legally changed her last name. I saw my 99th Phish concert. Actually, now that I wrote it all down, there hasn’t been much to report since last May.

Laura Nachopacabra (“Cabra”): This is the first time in science history that we did a double tasting. We visited Bill & Tim’s in August but didn’t get around to the review, so to refresh our memories we ate there again. I think of the process kinda like being held back in school. Fortunately this is very familiar for Kory, who was 21 by the time he graduated high school.

It’s also the first time we have nacho time-traveled to get back to 2016. It was great because everyone was wearing puffy vests just like Marty McFly.

NMKS: In response to Laura’s quip about my non-traditional path through high school, I will mention a few of my favorite inspirational clichés:

“It’s not the destination, it’s the journey”.

“Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”

What’s wrong with taking a couple victory laps? High school was the best time of my life, why would I end it prematurely after only four years? Imagine if The Beatles stopped writing music after they released A Hard Day’s Night, Help!, Rubber Soul, and Revolver, we wouldn’t have Sgt. Pepper’s, Magical Mystery Tour, The White Album, and Abbey Road, not to mention cool glasses or this guy.

Cabra: That moon quote is dumb and here is why: the moon is roughly 239,000 miles from the earth. Our nearest star is the sun at roughly 93 million miles from the earth. If you are shooting for the moon and you miss, then you are shit out of luck for landing amongst a damn star. In your case, Kory, I feel the following quote much better sums up your middle/high school years:

“Trying is the first step towards failure.” – Simpson, Homer

NMKS: If you miss the moon you’ll eventually land among the stars, it might just take a while. The universe is big, Laura, almost as big as the chip on your shoulder.

 

Atmosphere

Cabra: We sat outside near a cool mural of all the animals we were about to eat. It was late summer, and super pleasant. The second time we sat inside there was a giant human with question mark tattoos on his neck who menaced us with his stares and disproportionate biceps. He was balanced by a well-dressed grandpa who walked in eating fruit snacks, didn’t order anything, and sat down to watch baseball. That guy’s a real hero. I can’t wait to be old so I can go into restaurants just to eat my own damn food and watch their tv. These descriptions tell you nothing about the atmosphere inside B & T’s, just their clientele. Bill & Tim’s is cute in an old-timey Westworld kinda way, minus the murder.

NMKS: Normally I’m weirded out by businesses that have animal mascots depicted cooking or serving a food version of themselves. It’s one thing to incorporate animals in the signage as a visual cue that informs customers of what’s being offered, but I feel like a line is crossed when a smiling chicken is holding a platter of fried chicken. However, I actually like the animal mural outside of Bill & Tim’s, it doesn’t reek of cannibalism.

Getting back to neck tattoo guy, I think the tattoos were actually quotation marks, which makes sense given that he was totally engrossed in a book. Grandpa Fruit Snacks, on the other hand, was totally engrossed in the baseball game never once looking down at his bag of Welch’s, his hand robotically placing naturally and artificially flavored gummies into his mouth. Laura, what do you think Neck Tats was reading? Follow-up question: if neck tats were to write fanfiction based on a movie released between 1990-2000, what movie would it be?

Cabra: Neck Tat was definitely an actor from a Charles Dickens one-man tribute play. He was memorizing his lines, while simultaneously working on some Encino Man fanfiction.

Server interaction

NMKS: The employees here are very friendly and personable. Darius said something endearing, but I forget what it was….[spoiler alert: I had a beer and when I placed my order with Darius he was adamant about giving me a small sample of the beer to ensure that I liked it. That is some A-level service if you ask me] The guy that brought our nachos the second time around was also engaging and asked us about something fun that happened that day. I was kind of taken aback by his question since most restaurant employees stick to boilerplate dialogue. After blanking for a few moments I mentioned something about Laura mistaking my cat for a different neighborhood cat named Johnnie*. Despite how we’re portrayed in Hollywood films, being a nacho scientist in a small-sized city is not as wild as one might think….

*I periodically send Laura photos of Johnnie or Lord Underfoot and make her guess which one it is. She has a 87% success rate thus far.

Cabra: I’ve had a lot of mixed interactions at Bill and Tim’s, but most of them have been positive. Darius was the best server by far, and I haven’t seen him since that first visit. He’s probably moved on to to a job more suited to his capabilities, like United Nations ambassador or Ambassador of Goodwill. In subsequent visits there have been some less than average staff interactions, but to be true to this review I will only focus on the two tasting sessions. The second visit interaction was fun, but mostly because I relish any chance I get to think about how much I love the Lord Underfoot vs. Johnnie game. I wish all my friends would text me photos of their pets on a weekly basis, even if it’s just someone else’s pet disguised as their pet.

 

Presentation

Cabra: That’s my hangry-take-the-damn-photo face. Isn’t it cute? The nacho presentation was pretty bomb dot com.

NMKS: Looking at their nachos reminded me of my visit to the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam where I lost track of time gazing at the masterful, chaotic brush strokes of a delicate genius. Rich textures interweaving, thrown together to create an impressionistic representation of my heart’s true desire. While the civilized man in me contemplated the subtle beauty of the marvel that sat before my eyes, the beast in me bent forward sticking it’s nose directly above the steaming plate, breathing deeply, letting the scents flood my brain, getting acquainted with this unknown creature like a canine sniffing the butthole of a new dog encountered on the street.

Chip to topping ratio

Cabra: As long as there is still a little dip for my last chip, I’m a happy camper. There was still some yumms left at the end, with none of the unsightly grease puddles on the plate. “Grease Puddles” was Kory’s nickname in high school.

NMKS: The nacho chef at Bill & Tim’s must be a Star Wars fan because the force was balanced between chips and toppings. “Grease Puddles” was actually an appropriate nickname seeing that I was always down to make a quick buck in high school by doing gross and silly things. One time I smeared taco salad all over my face in the cafeteria for $1. Another time I peed in my pants while driving for $5, which was enough money to buy a bottle of Febreeze to spray on my cloth car seat and earn myself yet another nickname, “Pee Pee Puddles.”

Price

NMKS: I am very comfortable paying $11 for these nachos. They are filling and delicious.

Cabra: The price was average, much like Kory’s GPA.

Overall Taste

Cabra: I liked these better the first time we had them, but that easily could have been swayed by the season. My body is in a perpetual state of coldness for about 8 months out of a year, and this fact influences just about everything I do, including nacho reviews. I hate being cold. It feels like being wrapped in sadness and smothered in sorrow. Kory was in an emo band called Smothered in Sorrow during middle school and high school. He was the lead singer and wrote all the music and lyrics. Here is a set list from his show:

Smothered in Sorrow Set List
March 29, 1997
Lake Bluff Middle School Cafeteria

Why am I Bigger Than Everyone?
Small Peers, Large Tears
I am 16 Going on Seventh Grade
My Shirt Hurts

Encore: Small Peers, Large Tears (acoustic version)

NMKS: Seasonality has no effect on my taste buds; I found these nachos to be consistently excellent, sort of like watching the aurora borealis or Goodfellas. If I were to develop a nacho-flavored chewing gum, I’d base it on these nachos or possibly just the lime-cilantro sour cream. The chips had oodles of crunch and all of the flavors melded together, tickling my senses like a cadre of masked swingers at a Bacchanalian revelry.

For those of you that are curious, Laura and I work on these reviews piecemeal using Google Docs. One time we tried to work together in the same room, which was a complete disaster; I quickly got irritated by her incessantly asking Siri how to spell certain words and she couldn’t put up with me playing Bright Eyes and Dashboard Confessional. Anyway, the point is that I often find myself cracking up when I read some of Laura’s new additions to the reviews. Smothered in Sorrow being a great example. I spend a lot of time bashing Laura on this blog, but it always comes from a place of love and I am thankful that I get to be the butt of her witticisms.

I was in an emo band in high school, but it was actually called, Sad Once Felt. When Laura and I met later in life we discovered that she knew my friend, Steve, who was also in said band. If five of our readers post a comment at the bottom of this review stating their theory on why Laura’s nickname at band camp was “Sgt. Beatrice Bologna” I will send out a link to download a song off of Sad Once Felt’s chart-topping 2001 debut album, “I Am Japanese.”

Level of Drunkenness

Cabra: Zero. I’m about as good at consuming alcohol as Kory is at passing the third grade.

NMKS: I drank a beer! A real beer. However, my buzz was about as long lived as the Schiaparelli EDM lander’s operation on Mars.

 

Company

Cabra: You can tell by the lack of between-the-eye creases in the above photo that my hangriness had been alleviated. Look closely – there is a tiny portion of nachos missing. That was me. This photo was taken about a month after Tom and I had been married, and we were still pretty blissed out and swole. I’m still blissed out, just way less swole. Like, waaaaaaaay less swole.

NMKS: Misery loves company; I was miserable being alone with Laura and then the heavens answered my silent prayers, sending Neck Tat and Grandpa Fruit Snacks, two unassuming angels, to save me from the darkness. Tom was my angel on the first Bill & Tim’s excursion, saving me from Laura “Purgatory” Ptak.

Cabra: Hey, that’s Laura “Pturgatory” Ptak to you.

Overall

NMKS: Although it’s not part of my lifeplan, if I end up with a litter of grandkids when I’m older I’ll certainly gather them around my rocking chair in front of the fireplace and tell them about the glorious day that I first met a plate of Bill & Tim’s nachos. Then they’d probably be like, “Grandpa Koko, how did you meet Gammie?” to which I’d scold them and demand that they not interrupt grandpa when he’s talking. The moral of the story is this: Bill & Tim’s serves up some drool-worthy nachos and I’m a total fanboy. If I see their chef at NachoCon 2017 I’m sure to have a Beatlesmania-esque meltdown and ask them to sign my tits with lime-cilantro sour cream.

Cabra: Here are the names for the litter of grandkids Kory will spawn:

Kletus
Konrad
Kusan
Karbara
Kancy
Keffery
Kenrique
Kessica

He really loves what the Kardashians did, and took that for a spin. I would give these nachos a solid 4 chips.

Loyal Fanbase Bonus:

Thank you to all of our readers that shared their theories on Laura’s bizarre band camp nickname, “Sgt. Beatrice Bologna.” Maybe Laura will shed some light on the etymology of her ambiguous moniker, but until then, here are two, yes you read that correctly, two ultra rare tracks from Sad Once Felt. Just close your eyes and picture 16-year-old Kory with dyed black hair and a cartilage piercing in his left ear.

 

Track 03:

 

Track 05:

 

Sad Once Felt
Brian Larsen – Guitar
Kory Northrop – Guitar
Steve Sweat – Vocals
T.J. Minich – Drums

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